Tip Top PR

Finally a Human Who Gets It!

You humans are always worried about Romance, Relationships, Breakups and the like.
Silly of course! We Felines, we love and leave - no matter the color of the fur. (Yes, there is a lesson to be learned there!)

So when I was surfing Facebook, I came across this gem. It's just to good not to share!

. Samuel Clemens The Cat

Moving Is Hell For A Cat Like Me

My Provider decided to move territories  (they call it "homes"). Needless to say. that was quite distressing for Moi.

I was pushed into a carrier which I did not like one bit. Then, after hours being cooped up, I was released into Foreign Territory with strange smells and none of my familiar spots.

Quel Horreur!

But I am fine now and will find new ways to blackmail my Provider in surrendering tuna!

As you can see, my first attempt was to use her beloved Kinley Soda Water as collateral. (Did not quite work - she physically removed me from the boxes!

But now I have a new apartment and wooden deck to explore. My first achievement in the new apartment was to chase away the new landlord due to "allergies". That Human started sneezing and wheezing right before my eyes - to quote Spock (my Provider is a SF buff) "fascinating". Note to myself: need to explore this superpower further!

For now, I need to take another catnap, but stay tuned!

Samuel Clemens The Cat

Not A Happy Camper

Most of the time, I am a happy cat. I have my Provider trained to cater to all my needs. She is a bit on the skinny side (I blame all that fitness), but she gives me lots of hugs, so life in normally good. I also made it clear that I only consume the best of cat food (yes, we cats can read price tags, so don’t come home with some white label stuff, only fit to be served to dogs).

My Provider has a friend called Kim, who I really like. She understands me like no other. She sent me two little tins with catnip in it. As you know, we cats are crazy about catnip! I am not supposed to eat it, but what do you want me to do? Sniff it? Smoke it? Come on, I live with a straight-laced Human! Apart from a glass of wine once in a while, I didn’t see her consume any legal (let alone illegal) substances. She does drink heaps of coffee, which seems to be Bad. I tried it once, hate the dark bitter stuff! I don’t care what she drinks, since I am a cat.

But let’s get back to my story. Kim’s catnip is mucho enjoyed by me. Hence my annoyance when my Provider took some of it to the office. She gave it to her Russian colleague Boris – he also has a cat and he wanted to grow some catnip at home for his feline. Out of my stash – how rude! But the Great Cat in the Sky was on my side. This Boris-person took the stuff in a little plastic bag home. On the way, his car was stopped by the police (not the band, mind you!) during a routine traffic control. (My Provider was stopped as well – needless to say, everything was in shipshape, the woman in over-organized! She even bought me a food and a water bowl one size too big, so I don’t spill by cat food on the floor – I rest my case!) When this Boris-guy opened the glove compartment of his car to get his papers, the police saw my catnip. They promptly arrested him for possession of a forbidden substance (something called "cannabis"), confiscated his car and revoked his driver license. I find this fitting punishment for stealing my catnip! My Provider feels sorry for him – the car was a company car, so it was given back to the leasing company. He now has to travel by bus. His girlfriend is angry at him – the car was a nice Mazda 3 and she would love to drive around in it. The court case is this month – providing the lab analysis of my catnip is done by then……

It seems that a defense that it was catnip and not this cannabis stuff is hard to swallow (pun intended) by the local law enforcement officials…..they must be dog owners! It just shows you – no good deed goes unpunished when it involves us cats! Let that be a lesson to you all and keep your fingers (with non-retractable nails!) to yourself. Remember, the only reason why you have opposable thumbs is to open our tins of cat food. BTW, if you want to buy some catnip, I will arrange a meeting with my cousin Louie “The Claw” Cattano outside later….

Time for a catnap, until next zzzzzzzzz

Long Time, No See!

It’s been too long since I put my Words on Wisdom in blog form again.
Don’t get me wrong – I have enough to meow about. It’s my sometimes really annoying Provider that keeps working on the computer.
Note to all you kittens out there: try to get yourself a high-tech challenged Human.
But now, she is out of my fur, so to speak, and I can finally communicate again.

As you know, my Provider started putting me on diet. After some bitter complaining, she changed my food to Royal Canin. First, I was not too happy about it – but once I saw the price, I knew I had the premium stuff, and I also have to admit that I like the taste.

I got a scare with this pet food poison thing, but it turns out that it’s produced in Europe, so I am safe.
To show my Human that I am really not fat, just built along sturdy lines, I showed her my fellow feline in China. This 33-pound cat lives in Qingdao, Shandong Province in China, and has a 31-inch waist. Compared to that, I am puny!

He is in excellent health, and is only one year older than I am – he is 9.
His owner helps him onto a bed to sleep.

Heh, heh, that human doesn’t know that it’s a clever cat trick!

Of course we can jump on beds, clean clothes etc. – but if you are stupid enough to lift us – why should we refuse?

HE doesn’t eat Royal Canine BTW, but dines on six pounds of chicken and pork each day.

I wonder if I could talk my Provider into that?
Possibly not – she love munching salads and the like, that are only good for playing.

Trust me, I tried them all (lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc.)– Ugh!

All this typing tires me out – it’s time for my recharging mode aka catnap again.
Ciao!

It's Not Easy Being Owned By a Professional!

Sometimes I wish my Provider was not Internet-savvy.
I don’t mind her surfing for more info on how to pamper and adore Moi, but I do mind when she gets ideas about cat diets!
I am NOT a fat cat, mind you; I just have heavy bones.

Since my Provider works out a lot anyway, I don’t see the issue of me being the size and weight of a 3-year old human cub.
She can still easily lift and hug me!

I know that my Provider is going to change my cat food – that I don’t mind, I tried the sample she brought in and liked it.
It’s tasty and double the price, heh, heh.

We cats get a lot of attention, but American cats are truly pampered.
In the US, there are pet resorts, cat yoga, feng shui pet gardens and Retin-A acne treatments for us cats.

They also do a lot of research on Us Gorgeous Beings.
The National Academy of Sciences produced a hefty 450-page report after reviewing 25 years of scientific papers on cat nutrition.

The report claims that like our Humans, we cats can be obese and run a higher risk of developing diabetes, heart disease or other problems. Ugh!
One in every four cats in the Western world seems to have a weight problem.
(Not me of course - I am just big boned)
The report also sets new dietary guidelines for cats, including specific nutrient requirements for protein, fat, vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, fiber and additives.
I don’t mind, as long as the food is tasty, expensive and includes seafood.

On TV, there are those weird (and boring) reality shows about Humans loosing weight.
It involves a lot of crying, shouting and suffering.
I don’t get it, and I have to say, neither does my Provider, so I don’t have to watch that drivel.
However, some bewildered soul thought it was a Good Idea to translate this diet thingy concept to Us Cats.
Hence the Hill's 2006 National PetFit Challenge.

It’s more a competition for Humans than for Us Cats, if you ask me.
(Yes, I know I am cynical, but hey, hanging out with my cynical Provider for more than 7 years does that to a feline).

You see, Hill is the producer of cat food, so it’s (to quote my Provider, who works in the field and knows a thing or two about this kind of stuff) a marketing & PR stunt.

She has a point – the winners of the competition (cat + provider) receive money (which goes to the provider; as we all know, real cats don’t shop, unless it's for food online with PayPal or credit card), a year's supply of pricey pet food (OK, but is it to our taste? We are not dogs, you know, we have our own mind!) and free airline tickets to stay at an "upscale pet-friendly hotel".
Pffff, don’t they realize that cats don’t like to fly? Airplanes are smelly, uncomfortable and bounce around a lot. Bloody uncomfortable. If we have to travel, let's do it by train - Orient Express style of course!) or in a Rolls Royce, which is a nice and quiet car.

And another thing - which feline cares about staying in a hotel?
I like my own 4.5 room apartment with 2 terraces very much, so unless it’s a hotel with room service on the level of the Waldorf Astoria or Four Seasons, I don’t see any good reason to stay in another place.

 
OK, may be at Angelina Jolie’s home - she looks like a great cat person and comes with 3 cute Human cubs to play with - but that’s it!

In the mean time, I keep a watchful eye on my Provider in case she wants to enter me in some kind of competition.
You never know, she has those very human ideas - she still doesn't think like a cat.

I think I better cut down on ordering cat pizzas when she is at work and start doing more cat yoga exercises…..it might fool her!

A Case of Catkidnap

We all know that felines are gorgeous, so when one of us is being snatched by envious Humans, we should not be surprised.

Personally, nobody ever tried to snatch me – but that might be due to my watchful Provider.

Lola the Cat however, fell victim to this Hideous Crime.
Lola lives in a place called Wethersfield, Connecticut.
She has an excellent Human taking care of her - Linda Korba.
Linda is the manager of a garden center called Comstock, Ferre & Co., which is a fun place to live for any feline.
However, Korba has an Evil Neighbor- Paula Rubinow, owner of the Main Street Creamery & Café.

Paula (who must be a dog lover!) snatched poor Lola and gave her to strangers.
Needless to say, Lola was NOT a happy cat, and promptly ran off to find her Linda Provider again.
Lola was found a mile or so away from her original home.

All well that ends well….The Evil Human claimed that she didn’t know that Lola was not a stray cat. Yeah, sure, and Bush is a clever guy! Pfffffff.

Cats of Wethersfield, please go patrolling the neighborhood to prevent more catkidnaps.
Oh yeah, and if you want to help yourself to some of the main Street Creamery & Café goodies – go ahead!

Samuel the Cat – watchcat at large

Dogs Are The Root mOf All Evil

Dogs are the root of all evil - and now we have proof!

I knew it!
Dogs are a pest, and if you don’t believe me, just check out the latest article in the New York Times (a wordy and worthy newspaper that makes excellent cat litter box lining!)
You see, the wonderful humans at the NYT quoted a study done by human vet doctors.
They have found out that having a dog in the house may worsen the symptoms of children with asthma.

(For those of you who don’t know what that is, it involves a lot of wheezing, sneezing and heavy breathing on the part of young humans - it is really dangerous and the poor things suffer a lot.)
It seems that canines are somehow aggravating asthmatic responses to air pollution.
In households with cats, however, there was no detectable effect, the study reports.
No surprise there!

The cause of the effect is not clear to our bewildered humans.
“We think it’s probably not allergy to dogs, otherwise we would expect to see an effect of air pollution with cats,” said Dr. Rob S. McConnell, the lead author of the study and professor of preventive medicine at the University of Southern California.
“It’s the synergy between air pollution and dogs that makes the story.”

Well, we all know that dogs are responsible for a lot of pollution – and I am not only talking about their deposits on the sidewalk.
Heaps of them lack the elegance of Us Felines and are therefore guilty of what my Provider calls “visual pollution”.
(I think it’s a political correct word of calling someone damn ugly – heh, heh)

In short, let’s go for a clean planet and start with getting rid of all dogs!

We Cats Have Been Brilliant Throughout The Ages

As I stated many times before, we felines are mind-boggling brilliant.
Providers, as we cats all know, are quite dumb.
I often hear my Provider blab to another human that so-or-so has the attention span of a cat.

So what, I say? Who cares about the past? How long can we sustain ourselves on yesterday’s meals? Mmmm?
Humans have a fascination with the past, quite likely because they make such a mess of the present.

In a place called Caithness (located in a cat loving country called “Scotland”).

Humans used to build shelters there for dead Providers (called burial cairns) and ancient towers called brochs.

This was a long time ago, quite likely before they realized that it was all a bloody waste of time and effort.

Humans that are by profession something called archaeologists (all they do the whole day is dig, looking for all stuff and bones. A canine thing to do, and very uncatlike!

When humans don’t understand something, they come up with wild theories. I am puzzled about this – why use those brainwaves on non-food related activities?

Anyway, humans found animal remains in those cairn thingies and started theorizing about animal sacrifices and such. They also reconstructed one of those cairns to see how it functioned. As we cats know, life is a lot simpler that Humans think.

One of our fellow felines did the sensible thing – where better to hide your prey than among dead people in a nice, quiet, cozy cairn? That’s what happened, our unnamed hero M/F left a dead rabbit in the cairn to retrieve later.

The archeologist humans got all excited about it – not for the obvious reason that they wanted to feast on the tasty morsel, but because the cat was so clever and showed them, how the animal remains ended up in the burial place.

No fancy schmenzy rituals, just plain simple cat brainpower!
Sometimes I wonder what my Provider would do without my pearls of catwisdom…

The Willy Way

Personally, I love shoes. Whenever my Provider comes come and takes off her shoes, I pounce on them, sniffing and playing with them.
My favorite: her sport shoes, although she claims that they smell. Yeah, that’s the whole idea, stupid!

As we all know, humans have this annoying habit of washing and cleaning themselves, their clothes and their apartments, which makes our job of marking our territory damn difficult.

It seems that most Providers, unlike mine, refuse to lend their felines their footwear for cat entertainment.
Since we cats are quite inventive, we find a way.
Take my fellow feline Willy the Cat.
His fetish: gloves aka handwear.

(For all you kittens out there: the front paws of Humans are called “hands” (very good for stroking cat fur and opening cat food packages and tins) and their back paws are called “feet” (awkward body parts that somehow balance their whole upright bodies – don’t try to figure that one out, must be a design flaw)

Willy lives in place called Pelham, NY, where Humans work in something they call “gardens”. (Just some pieces of land that is great to roll around in, although humans freak out when you do that. If you don't believe me, ask my friend Bundy).
Since humans do not have proper claws, they dig in the soil with metal thingies wearing gloves. Just what Willy likes!
  
He loves to sneak into gardens and carry off those gardening gloves.

Willy’s Providers put his trophies on a clothesline strung across their front fence with the sign:
"Our cat is a glove snatcher. Please take these if yours."

This is quite humiliating of course.
When other humans starting checking this out, Willy pretended not to notice and went on playing with a beetle in the driveway.
Ha! That will serve them right!
What happened to “innocent until proven guilty”?

Obviously, the glove game only works in the summer.
Willy gets his prey during daytime raids, often taking two trips to get a matching pair.
So what is our creative friend going to do during the winter, when humans don’t garden?
He goes for dirty socks from the laundry room.
Let this be a lesson to all felines:
“where there is a will(y), there is way”

Feline On A Leash! Quel Horreur!

Florida is part of earth where old Providers go to take long naps.
The climate is excellent and they love to warm their old, wrinkled, furless bodies in the sun. They copied that from us, felines, but that’s OK.

What is not OK, is that a political something-or-other human in Martin County wants cats to be leashed.

Yes, you read it correctly!
Due to those pesty dogs (and may be also crocodiles, it being Florida and all), they launched a leash law in Martin County in 2003, requiring all pets to be on leashes when they are outside their owners' property.
This is of course Stupid and Undignified!

Cat lovers are clever humans, so they tried to exempt us felines from this stupid leash law.
The Martin County commissioner, a human that listens to the name Lee Weberman, supported their efforts, until recently.
He suddenly yanked his support for their efforts, claiming that he may have been a little premature. How come premature? He is male, so it’s not like giving prematurely birth to a litter or something like that!
He gave a very political (read: poppycock) reason: “It's not the right time to modify this ordinance.”
I read this as: “I need the votes of dog owners for my reelection.”

The local felines have a champion in Maris Sine, who correctly statesd that cat lovers want to get rid of the leash law so they can promote a practice of spaying and neutering abandoned cats and keeping them in colonies instead of them being killed at shelters.
Requiring all cats to be on leashes and fining pet owners who don't leash their cats would make that practice impossible. Way to go, Maris!

Another human, Kristen Neilander, said the County recently fined her $575 (which is lots of cat food and toys, my lovelies!) after catching five of the cats she managed without a leash in her colony. She is fighting those fines. (Way to go, girl!)
“I'm not sure you are aware of how difficult it is to put a cat on a leash and walk it,” Neilander told the W. person.
That stupid Commissioner person reacted by saying that a task force of residents asked for the leash law to be expanded in 2003, so he doesn't want to completely rewrite that law.
He went on by saying that he thought that the cat lovers just wanted some tweaking, so he misunderstood.
Well, my Provider is rather nifty with the written word, so I hereby donate her services (she is something called a “lawyer”) free of charge for the Greater Good of Felineness.
I bet she can do that rewrite within one day – obviously she has more grey brain matter than that Weberman nickenpoop.
And if you don’t believe me, ask my friend Bundy or Morty (see picture)!

Coffee, Anyone?

My Provider drinks heaps of hot brown stuff called “coffee”.
I tried it and didn’t like it.
My conclusion was: cats and coffee don’t mix.
But then I read about Kopi Luwak (Civet Coffee).
You see, I want to keep on the good side of my Provider, so I try to find some articles linking her love for coffee to Moi.

For you ignorandi of the human variety - a luwak is a marsupial aka a common palm civet or toddy cat.
These distant cat cousins live in tropical rainforests (from northern India to the Philippines). They like to climbs coffee trees and eat the coffee cherries.
(I prefer Meow Mix, but then, I don’t climb trees – too much of an effort!)

Being cats, luwaks like to eat the ripest and reddest coffee beans, which humans normally use for brewing that coffee stuff.
After eating the outer covering of the beans, they don’t have a use for the rest so the berry thingies pass through their bodies and are deposited off in a proper cat way.
Local humans gather them and sell them to coffee dealers.
The beans are washed, lightly roasted and sold to other humans.

It takes a lot of humans to do this, so the annual production is 500 lbs (227 kg) – which is about what I consume in cat food.
A bloody waste of effort, methinks, but Humans are Weird Animals and pay mucho for their cup of “cat poop coffee”.
I offered my Provider to chew and pass coffee beans for her, but she doesn’t seem to buy into this “rich, strong aroma with a complex and gamey flavor”.

I might be wrong, but I heard her murmuring “marketing crap” when I showed her the article. May be she is not such a dumb human after all….

Lewis The Cat On Death Row!

I was watching TV yesterday, when I heard some horrific cat news:
they want to condemn my fellow feline Lewis to death!
Yes, really, I am not joking (although I have a superb sense of humor, mind you!).

Lewis the Cat bears a resemblance to the famous Felix the Cat (and my not yet so famous pal Bundy; ergo: he is gorgeous) and has six toes with an impressive nail on each foot. As you know, this is not uncommon in cats, although I have the standard number of toes.
Lewis lives in a quiet Fairfield, Connecticut, neighborhood with his human Ruth Cisero.

He was minding his own business when this Avon Lady Human started to mess with him.
When this Avon Person was getting out of her car, Lewis approached her from behind, making it clear that she had no business in his ‘hood.
She ended up going to the hospital and filed a lawsuit in some Superior Court against his Provider.
Tell me, can you blame him? Those door-to-door salespersons are a pest (as are telemarketers who wake me up at ungodly hours).

The neighbors didn’t like poor Lewis as well – they called him the “Terrorist of Sunset Circle,” which is a whole bunch of dog pooh.
As a result, poor Lewis got a restraining order (courtesy of Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira).
Originally, this restraining order allowed him limited freedom if his Provider gave him Prozac. Stupid idea – show me any cat that likes (un)controlled substances except catnip!
Lewis refused to become a druggie or to be confided to his home.
He went out and had another altercation with a neighbor.

That Solveira Person promptly placed Lewis under house arrest, which means that he is forbidden to leave his home.
She also arrested his Provider for failing to comply with the restraining order and then for reckless endangerment. Pfffff.

And that’s not the end of it – they are dragging poor Lewis into court claiming that he is dangerous and should be put to death.
Lewis is not stupid, so he hired defense lawyer Eugene Riccio. Good thinking!

In the mean time, we have to do what we can to save our poor Feline Brother.
Support already came from an unlikely corner - Petey the dog is a staunch defender of Lewis. He even showed up at the Bridgeport's Golden Hill Street Court to pledge his support.
You see, Petey, living with four cats, gets scratched sometimes.
He understands that it’s the nature of the feline, so he never pressed charges against them.
A wise attitude - those pesty Humans (who acquitted O.J., mind you!) should do the same!

Judge Patrick Carroll will rule on June 20. I will keep you posted of course.

Ypern and Cats - Not a Match Made in Heaven

I am always on the lookout for parties. What can I say, I am one cool party animal. Surfing the web, I came across a “catfest” (cat festival) in Ypres or Ypern, Belgium.

I was all excited – a special cat day with parade and all that for Us, Felines!
For those of you who haven’t got a clue, during the Middle Ages, Ypern was a prosperous town of 80.000 Providers.
Its main source of income was linen trade with England.
During this time, since 1476 to be precise, they would throw cats off the cloth halls to get rid of evil. Ha! That act itself is ultimate evil if you ask me!
Needless to say, they also held witch trials and eliminated a whole bunch of perfectly good Providers. Dumbos!

The people of Ypres were not alone in their “cattacide” – they would burn and kill felines all over Europe. I bet it was a Canine Plot to gain power.
You see, in early medieval times, we cats were symbols of bad spirits and we were accused of predicting disasters and mischief.
Stupid humans - that would interfere too much with our naptime!
Germanic tribes sacrificed us to keep evil ghosts away and Christians saw us as a sign of the devil or witchcraft. In short, we were not that popular and were not welcome anywhere.
Oh, how we pined at that time for Ancient Egypt, where they knew how to appreciate us!

To come back to Ypern, they had a rather original way of getting rid of any cats that were found. Our fellow felines were simply thrown from the Belfort Tower. Quel Horreur!

I am happy to inform you that nowadays they throw toy cats from the town hall tower after an elaborate parade called “Kattenstoet.”
The parade depicts the history of cats.
I like the concept of this parade. You see, it is highly educational (even for canines), since it features different themes, such as Cat Worship in History (with The Egyptian Cat), The Cat in Language and Legend, The Cat around the World, The Ypres Cat, and The Condemnation of Cats and Witches.
These tableaux are watched by many children and young people, which is a Good Thing, since they have to be trained as Providers.
Adult Humans realize how Gorgeous we felines are and dress up in cat costumes and try to improve their furless features with cat makeup.
In case you want to watch it, this Kattenstoet thingy is held every three years -the most recent one in May 2006.

Since having a cat parade is a concept we should implement worldwide, I suggest the following:

• Carnival in Rio will be changed to Catnival in Rio
• Macy’s Thanksgiving Day’s Parade will be changed to Garfield’s Thanksgiving Day's Parade
• At the State Opening of Parliament, the Black Rod will be replaced with a Black Cat (I suggest my friend Bundy)

What about it, Fellow Felines, in the mood for some serious partying?

I Am One Upset Feline!

My Provider left me again – for two whole weeks!
So I was left all alone (that is - apart from the neighbors who came in twice a day to feed me and play with me and apart from a friend who came five times to change my cat litter – but I was still a poor lonely soul, I tell you!).
You get the point - I had plenty of time to think between catnaps & snoozes and plotted how to reach world domination (without too much effort, mind you).

My Provider has something called a “resume” aka “curriculum vitae” which seems to describe her life.
Ha! I read it and it doesn’t say anything about the important elements in her pathetic life like Moi. It just mentioned all that stuff she does in her office, which is not in my dwellings.
This resume-thingy seems to work though, since she is duly employed and thus makes enough money to buy me cat food and such.
If she can find other employers with a resume, I could find an even better Provider.
I wouldn’t mind at all to improve my life by becoming a very spoilt and pampered Hollywood cat.

(My Provider pointed out that I am already spoilt and pampered, but that just shows you how dense she is, since there is ample room for improvement.
Just to give some examples: 1) I am not allowed in her bedroom, 2) I am not allowed to shop online for cat food and toys using her credit card and 3) I am not allowed to walk on tables).

Therefore, I decided to send out my cat resume to potential Providers such as George Clooney and Beyonce.

Here it goes:

Name: Samuel Clemens The Cat
Born: Yes
Sex: None since my snip, snip operation
Age: 7 in cat years, which equals 47 in human years
Race: European shorthair
Skills: Blogging, napping, playing, sleeping, chasing bugs and geckos, snoozing, training
humans, relaxing, eating, catching zzzz

Accomplishments:

• Training current human companion for 7 years and turning her into a decent Provider
• Blogging about my sorrows and updating own website
• Keeping in touch with my cat friends, especially Bundy and Ariel

Potential:
I would make a great Master of the Universe.
If this cannot be achieved shortly, before my next nap, I am also open for acting gigs and 6-figure book deals.
References:
Cats: Bundy (friend), Ariel (friend), Louie “the claw” Cattino (cousin)
Humans: Provider, neighbors (they know how to take care of me!), Ruth (friend of Provider
and great cat litter changer), Rachel (friend of Provider and very cuddly.
Rachel’s husband thinks the same, hence their recent addition in the form of a young
male cub).
What do you think; do I have a change to improve my life with this resume?

The Cat of Downing Street 10

I have some sad news for all you felines.

One of our distinguished cat friends has passed away.

Yes, Humphrey the Downing Street Number 10 cat has died.

The feline died last week at the home of a Cabinet Office worker who took him in when he “retired.”

Humphrey left Downing Street shortly after the Blair Brood took over residence in 1997.

It seems that amid persistent reports that Cherie did not like him. It was rumored that Mrs. Blair was allergic to cats, or found them unhygienic.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “I can confirm we have been told that Humphrey sadly died last week some time.”

His retirement was not completely voluntarily.

In 1997, Humphrey bowed out of front-line politics after eight years at Number 10.

A Downing Street spokesman said Humphrey had been suffering from a kidney complaint and had lost interest in food.

A vet advised he would be better off living in the peace and quiet of the London suburbs away from the cut and thrust of political life.

Humphrey's departure brought a swift reaction from the Opposition.

The Conservative Constitutional Affairs spokesman, Nigel Evans, linked it to the controversy over the Formula One chief's donation to the Labor Party. The Government subsequently said the sport would be exempted from a tobacco-advertising ban.

“Humphrey clearly can't stand the stench of hypocrisy which reeks from Downing Street after the 'donations for exemptions' affair,”" said Mr Evans.

“Humphrey is voting with his paws to leave the Downing Street lair. After eight happy years under a Conservative government he could only take six months of Labor before he lost interest in living.”

During his lifetime, Humphrey enjoyed the attentions of many admirers.

The government paid for his food and he cleverly would perch atop a vent to enjoy the hot air from Number 10. Well, that is the official version, but we felines know that he was patrolling up and down the street to check out crimes and misdemeanors.

He was a relaxed cat and knew that Downing Street was his.

Once, then president Bill Clinton’s two-ton bulletproof Cadillac narrowly avoided “splatting” him under its wheels. Well, we all know how Humphrey got even – talking to the Starr cat!

Being the "mouser in chief" and most famous pet in a country of animal worshippers is not bad at all.

I wonder if I could apply for the job?

Although it takes pig paws to fill his footsteps:

“World of politics mourns a legend,” headlined the Sun, Britain's largest circulation daily newspaper.

I will take a nap now and think it over.

Cousin Louie To The Rescue

I am still on my diet, so I am one big unhappy cat.
My stupid Provider still doesn’t understand that I am not fat, just well rounded (in more than one way, I might add!)
So what if I am 22lbs/10 kg?
I am a cat of Substance!

I regularly ransack her fridge and cupboards – to no prevail.
Why don’t Humans eat cat nibbles?
They do eat fish, but they should stay away from that pasta and rice stuff – not tasty at all! (Trust me, I tried)

My Provider is quite clever (for a non-feline that is), so she understood that I am cheating on my diet.
She just didn’t figure out how.
Ha! Before those Humans invented Internet, we already had catternet.
It’s the coolest thing – we communicate by sending messages via brainwaves and the occasional sound byte.
It’s secure, efficient and cost effective.
(Yuck, I sound like by Provider – she writes that kind of drivel as part of her job. Yep, it is strange, but it keeps Moi in cat litter and cat snacks, so I don’t complain too much).

Anyway, this diet was really ticking me off, so I sent an urgent cat message to my cousin Louie “The Claw” Cattino.
He is one clever cat (he lives in Manhattan, so he is very sophisticated and streetwise).
He has a huge network of felines that do all kind of things (for some proper compensation), so he arranged a “drop off” for me.

He sent his associate Whiskers (see photo) to my place with some excellent cat pizza.
Now that’s a great cousin for you! And then they say that cats know no loyalty!
I just wonder if my Provider will notice the charges on her credit card….
May be if I jump on her lap and purr really loudly when she opens her statements, she wouldn’t notice…

Let’s face it – cats are not designed by the Great Cat in the Sky to diet and exercise.
It’s against our nature. We are gourmets of course.
One clever Human wrote a rather dumb book that had a great recipe in it:

Take one small mouse from the freezer.
Thaw.
Put in a blender and hit frappé.
Serve at feline body temperature on a clean plate.

I bet my friend Bundy will like this one – he is one hack of a mouser!

Humans Are Strange Creatures

Like all felines, I often don’t understand Humans.
I tell you, they are the weirdest mammals to grace this feline filled earth.
Take the Humans living in a country called “India”.
It seems to be a place far away and used to be part of England, which is in my book excellent, since Brits are the ultimate Cat Lovers.

Anyway, one time a Human who is a member of something called a “political party” , was surfing Internet (which I do daily as well!) and came across the name of Bush’s cat.
This cat is called “India”.
Indeed, a strange name.
Why should you name your cat after a country? I wouldn’t be seen snoozing with a name like Patagonia or Hawaii, no matter how nice those places might be.

The political party Human was really upset.
It seems it has something to do with religion.
As you all know, my view on religion is that you can worship Moi anytime, anywhere, so I don’t have a lot of patience with organized religion.
My Provider tried to point out to me that it is insulting for Hindus to name pets after their country, since dogs and cats are considered unclean.
Ha! That shows you how dense she is – I wash myself a lot that you very much!

I did some research (hey, I got bored and all that high tech stuff is rubbing off on me) and found out that the First Feline was named “India” after a former Texas Ranger baseball player nicknamed “El Indio”.
(For your information – baseball is an strange sport of throwing balls, hitting them and retrieving them – something that Providers should delegate to dogs).

The First Lady also claimed that the First Cat’s full name is “India Ink”, because of her color.

Personally, I am an admirer of India. It’s not often that a cat can create an international incident with her name only…Not bad for a cat lady that shared her premises with the Bush family for 10 years.

It seems that India is not living with the Bush Clan anymore.
So now, the Prez can quote the famous British saying (in his fake Texan accent) “that’s how we lost India.”

Undercover Kitty

My Provider is always complaining that I don’t work for my cat nibbles.
Humbug, I say! I entertain her, hug her and make her pathetic life far more interesting.

Do I get credit for that? No!
She told me that I should be her PA and answer the phone and all that. Yeah, sure, and you are a supermodel!

There are working cats, of course.

One of them made clever move and became an undercover officer at the NYPD.
No, I am not joking. The story is as follows.

A really bad Human, named Steven Vassall, posed as a licensed Doctor of Veterinary Medicine and conducting risky surgeries on people’s pets. Yes, including cats!
He performed some bogus operation on canine called Burt (not to be confused with the bailiff from the Judge Judy show).
This Burt dog nearly lost his life when the Vassall Human took a knife to remove a foreign object from the dog’s intestines.
(I am not sure how foreign the object was – may be some Korean cat toy or other, who knows? Dogs are dumb creatures, so no use asking the mutt).
Since this Vassall Person knows as much about operating as my Provider, Burt nearly died.
A real vet person had to save him. Burt’s provider was stuck with a $985 bill, which is a lot of cat nibbles, cat litter and toys.
The dog might be stupid, his owner is not, so he wanted an investigation into the practices of this fake vet.
I still think that having Burt take a piece out of that Bad Human’s leg would have done the trick, but humans have something called "justice".
They have to do things "by the book" – no idea which one, my Provider has a whole room of them (books, not dogs of course).
So they wanted to start an Investigation.
Enter Fred the Cat.
Fred is an eight-month-old former stray cat, who was deputized by Detective Investigators at the District Attorney’s Office.
(In plain cat language – they made him a police officer, which is really cool if you think about it).

Investigators wired a Brooklyn apartment with hidden cameras and microphones and told Vassall to come take Fred to be neutered.
You see how brave Fred was? He was even willing to Sacrifice a body part (or 2) for the Greater Good!
The Evil Human told Detective Investigator Stephanie Green-Jones that he would neuter Fred for $135. But as soon as he walked away from the house with $135 in cash, and the cat in a carrying box (before the chopping, mind you), Vassall was arrested.

So our Fred distinguished himself in his first undercover assignment!
The Evil Person will be charged with Overdriving, Torturing and Injuring Animals as well Unauthorized Use of a Professional Title and Unauthorized Practice, both Class-E Felonies.
(If you don’t have a clue what that means (join the feline club) – let’s say that all these crimes together could put him in prison for up to four years).

Fred is enjoying his fame and is very proud of his shiny badge.
He was on CNN, CBS, the New York Times, and on the cover of AM New York.
After al those stupid dog movies such as K-9, it’s time that Hollywood turns its lenses towards Paw-and-Order (with Moi as the leading feline of course).
George Clooney & pig, move over, here I come!

Samuel C. The Cat
Feline Actor Extraordinaire

How Cats Can Evaluate Their Providers

Our Providers (the ones that are wage slaves) had their annual job evaluation talks.
It’s also important for us, since it directly relates to the quality of food and nibbles we will get. A nice evaluation, coupled with a bonus, makes our Providers a) mellow and cuddly and b) invest in some serious good foodstuff (smoked salmon springs to mind)

I decided that it’s a good idea for Us Cats to evaluate our Providers.
So here it goes.

Your Provider is:
a) intelligent
b) clever, but you can outsmart him/her
c) dumb as a dog

Your Provider is:
a) so great, they are almost feline
b) OK most of the time
c) a dog loving nickenpoop

Your Provider:
a) thinks that you are the center of the universe
b) understands that you are the most important creature in his/her life
c) doesn’t give a damn about you

Your Provider sees him/herself as:
a) your faithful servant
b) your equal
c) your master

Your Provider sees you as:
a) the best thing that ever happened in his/her pathetic life
b) a nice companion
c) a useless and unfaithful annoyance

If most of your answers are A: congratulations!
You have a Provider with Potential. Keep him/her on a short leash (pun intended!) and make sure he/she never forgets what a heaven-sent addition to his/her pathetic existence you are.

If most of your answers are B: welcome to the average feline life!
Your Provider has an inking how great and important you are, but the cat nibble didn’t drop properly yet. Don’t worry, some decent training will whip him/her nicely into shape.

If most of your answers are C: get out of that house pronto!
Your Provider is a stupid, dog-loving imbecile who doesn’t deserve such a gorgeous creature as you.
Especially if you have Paris Hilton (who cannot even take care of a dog the size of a cat food tin) or the Queen of England (who is fonder of her stupid corgis than she is of her in-laws) as your Provider, you better check teh neighbors for Provider Potential.

To help you select and rate a (potential) Provider, I composed an easy to follow checklist.

The human:

Is male/female
(A female Provider is preferred – they are in general more cuddly and like to coo)

Owns already pets (yes/no)
(If yes, move to next prospect, unless the pet is a manageable feline so you can easily usurp power)

Has previous experience with felines
(This is Good and Bad. It means that you cannot get away with a lot of cat naughtiness on one hand, but makes them easier to train on the other)

Travels a lot/hardly
(A Provider should be 24/7, but you cannot have everything in life.
They do have to work to make money to feed us.
Try to find one that doesn’t go on business trips and/or holidays)

Looks at you with love and admiration/ with disgust(Needless to say, the disgust thing is not good, except for terrorizing the stupid person. If they think cats are sneaky, make sure to live up to that reputation.
Any imitation of a lion hunt or a Steven King movie should do it).

Success!

Missing A Chrismas Tree

I am a Deprived Cat.
My friend Bundy (who lives in another country) has Providers that schlepped in a big leafy dead tree that is perfect to climb in.
For reasons that still puzzle us both, they decorated the Dead Thing with ornaments
(little balls that make a wonderful breaking sound if you hit them hard enough with your paw) and streamers that ask to be attacked, dislodged, and dragged around the house.

All that my Provider does is lighting candles for something called Hanukkah.
I looked it up on Internet and saw that involves a treat or gift every day for 8 days.
Hurray! (I thought).
Alas, no such luck…all I get is the same-same cat food.
Not only that, I get less than I used to since she put me on a diet.
I showed her how upset I was by breaking a big seashell that she collected.
I knew that it would get to her: she got that shell thingy when she was walking with her b-f on the beach.
I was not invited, which I also resent, since a beach is just one big fresh-smelling cat litter box.
OK, the wind and water stuff are drawbacks, but still, they should at least have invited Moi!

It seems that the tree thingy is related to something called “Christmas”.
I wondered when Catmas will be recognized…I think I should write another email to Kofi Annan, although he seems to be busy something to do with a food scandal.
Since no cat nibbles were involved, I don’t care.

So I had no choice but the skip Christmas – and concentrate on the new year.
It is customary for Providers to make Resolutions, which are empty promises and unrealistic goals that they announce to other Humans (under the influence of something called “alcohol”, which is to them what catnip is to us).

I don’t think my Provider ever makes a list – she is a down-to-earth sort of Human.
That is in itself a Good Thing – she never goes mushy and calls me her “fur baby” or some sentimental drivel like that.
She treat me like a feline and not a human cub, I have to grant her that.

I made my list consisting of realistic goals and ambitions:

1. Enforce attention by sitting on phone, thus disconnecting it
2. Learn to open more cupboards and fish out papers
3. Make fresh laundry favorite nap place. As an alternative, Provider’s black clothes will do nicely (since I am one big furry white cat!)
4. Break gifts from b-f. He gets way too much attention (and hugs), which means, I get less!
5. Increase number of hugs by jumping on Provider and immobilizing her with body weight (damn the diet!)
6. Mess up diet my breaking into kitchen cabinet for cat food
7. Break into fridge to check out Provider’s food (like smoked salmon)
8. Harass dogs
9. Suck up to neighbors in case Provider has to travel again (they are OK as back up Providers)
10. Keep chewing on books, especially when Provider is reading them
11. Try to confiscate pen when Provider is writing
12. Increase “wild hour” during night (imitating the invasion of the Vandals in Europe is a good start)
13. Try not to be scared of pigeons – may be Provider is right and I should squash them by sitting on them….
14. Try to get “Cats & Dogs” on VoD channel
15. Try to get entrance to Provider’s bedroom (it’s chutzpah that I am not allowed in!)
16. Keep on writing blog

Words Of THe Wise To You Kittens

You wee little kittens might wonder how you know that you do something your provider doesn’t like.
Well, it goes like this: you will hear a raised voice shouting NOOOO or BAAADD.

When this happens, I advise you to do the following:

1. go up to Provider
2. flop on back, exposing soft belly
3. look up at Provider with wide eyes, tilt head slightly to the side
4. try to look adoring
   (this is a tough one – please look at the dog tapes, those canines now how to do it, no matter that they are stupid in every other department)
5. purr - loudly
6. (optional) if they are still mad, stretch one front paw and make waving motions
   (again - watch the dog tapes - the begging for attention session)

Your Provider will react by rubbing your belly and cooing how cute you are.
Turn back to normal position and think of the Next Evil Plot.
No need to learn from this experience; Providers fall for it every time!

Providers treasure items that make great cat toys.
However, it is wise not to mess around with them (the times that is - you can mess around with your Provider).
In my case, I found out that I better keep my paws from her beloved books.
Once, I knocked Shakespeare from the bookshelf (made a very satisfying "bump" sound) and as a result, I have been banished from her study ever since.
May be the fact that I also sat on her keyboard and broke off its legs had something to do with it.
(I still think that any decent keyboard should be able to support my 11kg/20lbs weight)

You little felines must have noticed that Providers don’t have any fur - apart from the little tuft on top on their heads.
They realize that they are very ugly without fur, so they cover their bodies up, only leaving their faces and hands exposed.
This is very important, since we need their thumbs to open our cat food.
Their washing ritual is very strange - they seem to be too lazy to use their tongue.
In any case, they would never be able to wash themselves properly since they don't have the flexibility to reach their backs and necks.
They use something called a "shower" that basically is local rain inside the apartment.
It really freaks me out, and I complain about it every morning and evening.
My Provider does not react....
Once I attacked the shower curtain to make my point. She reated by pointing this rain thingy on me and I got wet.
Needless to say, I made her pay by opening one of the desk drawers and taking all her bills out. They made a very pretty pattern on the floor.
Still don't understand why she got upset about that; it is only pieces of paper, so what's the damage?
I tried to teach her once how to wash cat-style by licking her wrist.
She did not like it.... really weird.
Providers are very good at cuddling.
Since we like to be stroked and hugged, this is a Good Thing.
To make sure that they keep stroking you, purr. It is our secret weapon and it took us centuries (since Ancient Egypt) to hone this skill.
Our Providers’ attention is not always focused on Us, the Gorgeous Ones.
This is a chutzpah, of course. There are several ways to grab their attention.
If you are still a little kitten, your best bet is to sit down, to look into an empty corner or up at the ceiling, to flatten ears against head while making eyes round and big. Meow softly.
Once you are a Big Cat like me, do the same, but replace the meowing with piercing screams.
It will make your Provider run to you. It is amazing how fast mine can be!
That brings me top the next point.
You must have noticed, that our Providers walk on their hide legs.
This makes them unstable. To test that, just playfully attack their ankles from behind.
I was not able to mine topple mine yet and make her crash down, but I keep trying. Unfortunately, she is heavily into something called "fitness".
The benefits are, that she can easily scoop me up in her arms and also does not mind me standing on her shoulders.
The disadvantage is, that she can brace herself against my onslaughts and wins.
Ah well, I keep hoping....

The best cuddle time for us felines is the weekend, when our Providers don’t have to leave our apartments to go and work.
Work is a Good Thing (for Providers, dogs and horses, not for us of course!) – it keeps us in comfort and cat food.
During weekends, Providers like to relax on their couches and take a nap.
If you are lucky, they cover themselves with a nice soft blanket, or even better, a duvet.
This is excellent, since duvets are soft and smell of bird feathers.
I like stretching out on top of my Provider.
To make sure that she does not move, I purr. It makes her sleepy so she dozes off.

About food and drink the following.
I still abide by my theory that whatever Providers eat or drink, must be good for us as well.... But to be honest, up till now, I found the stuff that my Provider consumes highly inferior to cat food.
She also drinks brown beverages called "coffee" and "tea" that not only smell horrible, but also are also not sweet!
I conferred with my Cat Neighbor downstairs. Her Provider is Russian and likes ice cream. Mine never buys it, although I keep demanding it.
I once even restored to violence and hit her ankle with my paw.
She just laughed and said that I was uncouth...She also told me that I resemble Ariel (Arik) Sharon.
I watched him on television and I must say...he is gorgeous!
He even wobbles into a room like I do!
He also looks cuddly...that is something I really hold against my Provider.
All this stupid "fitness” stuff makes her too skinny for my taste.
Every weekend, I try to find soft spots on the body of my Provider.
I start with her shoulders (too bony), go to her neck (too skinny), on to her stomach (nothing there) to her tights (all muscle) and finally her belly (hooray, at last some fat!)
Still, as soon as I start kneading, she activates her muscles and it is not so soft anymore...

Well my fellow felines, that’s enough pearls of wisdom for now.
It’s time to go into my energy saving mode, zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

About Fluffy The Cat

Fluffy is an American cat who lives with his Provider Al Martin next to a golf course.
Golf is a stupid game, where Humans hit a ball and go to retrieve it. Hello, what do you Humans think dogs are for?!
Needless to day, Fluffy also doesn’t understand the fun of this game.
But he likes to prowl around and check if there are any feline activities in the making.
Guess, what? There are!

Those golf players are really old Humans that drive big cars, such as Cadillacs, to the golf course. They decorate their cars with little American flags, which seems to be some kind of Statement.
The little flags flap in the wind, so they are perfect cat toys.
Fluffy likes to jump on the cars and hit the flags with his paw.
Since he doesn’t retract his nails, his poor claw gets stuck in the fabric.
To detangle himself, he has to rip the flag right off the little wooden pole.
This is not a great loss, since those flags cost less than $1 each and are produced in China, which gives heaps of Chinese Providers employment.

The Ancient Human Golfing Brigade bitterly complained to Fluffy’s Provider.
That shows you that they must all be dog lovers.
I bet they have those pesty little barking dogs the size of a teacup, that they feed lots of sweets, so they (the dogs) look like overstuffed sausages.
You have to understand that Fluffy’s Human has a good sense of humor (it happens to all cat owners in the end), so he informed the ex-flag owners that Fluffy is an Enlightened Cat (makes sense, since Fluffy is a fan of the Renaissance epoque) and fights against the spread of “Dangerous Blind Patriotism”.
Being dog owners (like that Bush Person), they believed it.
The fact that Fluffy walks around wearing a little army helmet that says “Big Red One” might have something to do with it.
I like Fluffy, although I wish he would cut down on the catnip.
You see, his Provider started growing and giving him more and more catnip, so now he is stoned out of his cat skull half of the time.
That is a Bad Thing – Providers and cats should stay away from drugs.

I personally had a very traumatic experience with cinnamon.
My Provider used to keep all her herbs and spices on a shelf in the kitchen.
One day, I checked it out and knocked down a bottle of cinnamon that broke.
I was covered in the stuff, so as any good cat would do, I washed myself thoroughly.
How could I have known that the effect on my system is similar to what speed does to Humans?
Did it come with a warning? NO!
So I got all hyped up, and could not stop running up and down.
My vision was not so good either, since my pupils were all dilated.
As a result, I kept bumping into furniture.
When my Provider came home and saw this, she put me in the balcony to calm down.
She also called a friend (an Agricultural Engineer) to ask what the problem was.
He (although a dog lover, he is OK in my book) told her that we cats are highly allergic to cinnamon and if we get it in a concentrated form in our bodies, we die. Yuck!
My Provider immediately moved all the little bottles to a safe place, out of paw reach.

So if you want to remain a healthy feline, remember: catnip and cinnamon is to cats what alcohol and Prozac is to the Bush family…

Why We Cats Are Perfect Companions

My Provider has a b-f  of the human kind.
I tried to explain to her that I am all she needs for companionship, but she doesn’t believe me. I am pretty sure I am not the only one Suffering, so I compiled a list of reasons why We, Cats, are better than humans….

• We don’t have problems expressing affection in public. We don't brag about whom we slept with (OK, we don’t remember, but still…).
• We don't correct your stories or criticize your friends (although we know that you talk drivel and your friends smell of dog).
• We don’t want you to loose weight – au contraire, please gain a few pounds!
• We never say that you look fat in that outfit (just take it off and let us sleep on it).
• We are not threatened by your intelligence; compared to Us you have a birdbrain anyway.
• We don’t steal your remote control, we don’t speak on the phone non-stop, and we are never online when you want to.
• We don’t max out your credit card.
• We don't ask "where have you been" - just don't leave us again, OK?!
• When we leave you, we don’t sue for alimony or palimony – we just erase you from our memory.
• We don’t care what your race, sex or age is – as long as you adore us.
• We don’t join unions or political parties; therefore, we are ultimate PC.
• We don’t run off to sports events or watch games on TV.
• We hate everyone that infers with our comfort – being it a fly or a terrorist.
• We don’t go joy riding in your car.
• We don’t spoil your pleasure by telling you who-done-it” (although we know…)
• We don’t celebrate birthdays and holidays – everyday is a Cat Holiday.
• We are non-religious, since we are Divine and need to be worshipped.

And best of all:You cannot hurt our feelings……upsetting us, annoying us, yes, but hurting our feelings, no.
You see, we have healthy self esteem, you see, that’s why we never need a shrink!
Must be because we are so gorgeous, divine and superior.....

Bundy And Me

As my friend Bundy pointed out to me, we Cats are not only good at physical exercise, but also at keeping our mental health.
Did you ever see a depressed cat? No, of course not! There are several reasons for this:
1) we never suffer from insomnia, so we are never sleep deprived;
2) when embarrassed, we groom ourselves;
3) when stressed we know how to vent our frustration.

I understand that Humans go to other Humans called “shrinks”.
I wondered what these shrinks are shrinking.
May be their heads, but it seems that all human heads remain quite stable in size (no matter that some of them are filled with hot air, as by bitchy Provider likes to point out).
They are also not shrinking the food supply – lots of Providers remain obese.
According to my Human, they shrink the bank accounts of their victims.
I think she has a point.
Just to be sure that she would not be so stupid as to spend money on anyone else but Moi, I checked her calendar and I am happy to inform you that she never visits a shrink person.

She told her b-f that Us Cats are the best therapists.
Mmmm, I have to see how I can turn that to my advantage.
My Provider has this rather annoying habit of suddenly announcing: “Samuel, I need a hug!” She then grabs me, thus ruthlessly waking me up from my well-deserved nap, and hugs me. Since she is stronger than I am (damn all that fitness!), I developed a nice strategy.
I go limp, purr and look out of the corner of my eye if I can escape.
If not, I repeat the purring several times. Works like a charm.

If our purring is so relaxing, there must be a way to make cat nibbles out of it.
After striving for world domination, and eliminating all canines in the process, I think that we felines should concentrate on this.
I haven’t figured it out yet, but I am pretty sure that my friend Bundy will have some valuable contributions.
And getting our paws on a credit card or two is also kitten’s play.
I can smell Good Stuff a mouse click away! So what do you meow, my Fellow Felines?

Your Samuel C. The Cat
(Ruler of the Universe in the making, that is, once I get enough catnaps and incentives)

Diet Is to Die With A T

My Provider put me on a diet. Well, at least she tried.
It took me two weeks to have her stop that nonsense – but I prevailed!
It took some major psychological warfare, I tell you.
In the end, I had to resort to banging the bedroom door at 2am and 4am.
Ha! That taught her!
I blame her b-f. He put it to her that I might be unhealthy. Pffff, look who’s talking!
I never had the ‘flue in my life, let alone other ailments.

My Provider told me that I should exercise. She is dense – "exercise" equals "ex size"!
I will be a wee skinny kitty if I start working out like she does. I like being a Fat Cat.
But to humor her, I came up with the following feline fitness plan.

Front paw exercise
Stretch paws and hook nails in something soft (eg your Provider’s leg or favorite chair) and pull back.
Repeat as many times as possible before being forcefully removed.

Back paw exerciseBent paws slightly and jump. If possible, jump on tables, cupboards or dogs.
Land on all fours with outstretched nails for maximum effect.
Repeat as many times as possible before dog attacks.

StretchingPlace yourself in front of a closed door (bedroom or study preferred).
Stretch and place front paws on doorknob.
Lean with complete bodyweight forwards – forcefully if possible.
Open door and enter room.
Relax by spreading yourself on soft covers (in bedroom) or papers (in study).
Make sure to deposit hair for maximum effect.
Remain in this position until forcefully removed by Provider or dinnertime, whatever happens first.

Back curve
Block Provider from entering/leaving the room.
Flop on side and bend spine backwards, exposing soft underbelly for belly rub.
Keep this position as long as rub lasts.
To extend rub time, purr.

RunningRun up and down corridors and zip through rooms at top speed between midnight and 4 o’clock in the morning. If Human works nightshifts, reverse times.
Make lots of noises: bumping into objects and clicking of nails on wooden or marble floor is mandatory.
Repeat until Provider gets mad and takes action, or until snack/nap time, whatever comes first.

Obstacle course
Take obstacle course by running into chairs, Provider’s legs or dogs.
Make sure to forcefully move above-mentioned objects by catapulting into them with full bodyweight at top speed.
Repeat until outsmarted (by Provider) or death (of dog).

FishingStretch paw and hook it around a handle (door or fridge) or around zipper (sports or handbag).
Enter room, fridge or bag.
Sniff and play with as many objects as available while shedding hair.
Continue until panic attack of Provider.
(For you who live in a house with a fishtank: insert paw in fishtank and hook fish.
Drop fish on floor. Eat fish or (when vegetarian) beat it to death. Repeat until all fishies are goners or Provider freaks out).

Cool downAfter exercise, stretch and yawn in abundance.
Make sure to choose comfortable spot, such as newspapers, keyboard, TV set or Humans.
Knead object for stress release. Repeat kneading with outstretched claws.
Continue until being pushed/lifted/thrown from location.
Complain loudly – if possible during Provider’s favorite TV show or phone calls.


The best part of this exercise regime: you don’t loose weight!
Because you see, to quote my favorite Author Garfield: “Diet is to Die with a T”.

Colin The Cruising Cat

We cats might not like water, but we have nothing against going on a cruise.
Take Colin, who lives at Westgate’s tanker terminal, Port Taranaki, New Zealand.
Wanting a change of pace, Colin boarded the tanker Tomiwaka, when it was in New Plymouth. She (yes, despite her name, she is very much a female feline) made herself comfortable sleeping on the sofa in the second engineer’s cabin.
Hey, the "Statendam" it isn’t, but still, not too shabby. She flew back to New Zealand from South Korea, which I find a relief considering the preference of the Far Eastern palate…

Eight-month-old Diamond Lil' took a more extensive cruise: she boarded a vessel in Chicago that sailed to Charleston, Illinois, then on to New York and to finally arrive in England.
England is tricky country to arrive as a foreign feline– they want us cats to be quarantined for 6 months. I don’t understand why, we’re clean and disease free.
I understand you want to check out dogs, serpents, lizards and the like, but felines?!
Another cat that ended her cruise in England was Lucky. She didn’t really want to embark on a sea voyage, but was caught in a crate of razor blades that was shipped from Israel to England.


It’s not just modern-day felines that take to sailing.
Since always liked to have us cats on board since we bring good luck to a ship.
(If you don’t believe me, take a jump and hand over your vessel to me!).
Since we are happy to take up residence on ships, we have migrated around the world.
We first hooked up with sailors in ancient Egypt. OK, we had to do a lot more work than nowadays (keeping vermin at bay is hard work!) but we were considered to be very important and respected crew members on any vessel.

Now I have been thinking – why doesn’t my Provider go on a cruise and I will join her.
I suggest that we sail to Scandinavia, where they have some really good fish for me.
And if her b-f joins us, my cat friend Ariel can come along and share a scrumptious fishmeal with me. My friend Bundy is also invited to come along; it will give him a well-deserved break from those pesty canines.
I better go online and download some info and price quotes…cat ahoy!

My Provider wants me to work. She claims that all I do is frolic around the house, sleep, and demand food and hugs. Hello – that’s what being a cat is all about!
But I am a Nice Cat, so I checked the possibilities.
My research dug up one plum job: mouse catcher in the House of Commons in London, UK.
You see, the Members of Parliament are munching all over the place - so mice have quality food droppings. When they saw a little mouse going backwards and forwards – being very brave, very bold and looking extremely healthy, John Barrett, MP for Edinburgh West, proposed to employ cats to take on what they describe as a growing problem with mice. In the motion, they say that it would be "fiscally prudent for the Sergeant at Arms's department to invest in a House of Commons cat to try to tackle this problem.”
The mice didn’t stop there – they were also seen munching on breakfast cereal at the Scottish Parliamentary Offices at George IV Bridge.
It would not be the first time that a feline filled such a sought-after position - Socks, worked at the White House together with Prez Clinton and Humphrey was the PM’s cat at Downing Street.
I only see one problem: my employment contract. I demand catnap breaks (could coincide with the Humans’ tea breaks), meals (I will send my list of preferences) and I need to join a Union. One thing is good about it all – since my Provider is also a lawyer, she can check my labor conditions!

My friend Bundy hates dogs. So do I, as clearly stated in several of my blogs. I live in a nice, quiet neighborhood, except for those pesty barking dogs. Why do Providers take in canines and leave them alone the whole day? No wander they start to bark for attention. As we all know, there are far more Internet savvy cats than dogs, so what can they do? They are bored, so they bark at anyone entering the building. One of those canines lives on the ground floor of my building and barks every time my Provider comes home. It takes a lot of effort for me to out-shout him. Needless to say, I always succeed. Gave me quite a reputation in the neighborhood, I can tell you.
My Provider has the good sense to make sure that no dog enters my apartment. I understand from Bundy that he is not that lucky. He wants some pointers on how to survive. Not easy, those critters are normally bigger than we are. We have a few advantages though. First of all, we can jump, they cannot. By jumping on furniture, we can observe them from higher places such as the top of a cupboard. Secondly, we can outsmart them anytime, anywhere. A good trick is to hide under a chair or couch and scratch their paws when they pass us by. A third option is to knock something really heavy from a shelf on their stupid heads. No fear of concussion, they don’t have much brain to start with anyway. My Provider watches a lot of murder mysteries, so I know a thing or two about bumping off an adversary. Unfortunately, it is not easy for us cats to poison dogs. Not having thumbs is a real handicap in situations like this. Although I have my human trained well, she is against killing pets. A pity……
Sometimes a cat is big and smart enough to kill a dog.
The following happened in 2003 in Wales (UK).
Police today issued safety warnings after a puma-like cat was blamed for a fatal attack on a farmer's dog. The dog, which attacked the animal, was killed within sight of the farmer. The cat made no attempt to attack the man, who was on the scene for up to 15 minutes.
So you see, the stupid dog started it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want Bundy to take a knife and start stalking the dogs. (Mmm, not such a bad scenario come to think of it).
The best option is to follow the Garfield/Odie strategy: do something that Providers find annoying and blame the dog.
And for the right price, my cousin Loui “The Claw” Cattino will be happy to oblige…..

My friend Bundy live in another country than I do, but that’s OK – we are in constant catelapathy and email contact anyway. Let me introduce you to him.
His life is similar to mine – he also needs to constantly educate his Providers.
If you wonder why we cats nap so much – that’s the reason!
Bundy’s Providers also go on holidays, leaves, congress meetings etc. It must me a Human Thing that still puzzles me. As Bundy puts it – We Cats always come in second.
This is what he wrote me:
“My providers sometimes leave me alone for a whole weekend. I don't mind too much, they leave enough food and it is very quiet so I can take a fair good rest. Right now, I am getting clues they are going away for a longer time. There are lots of clothes on the spare bed (where I am not allowed to come, but still I know!) and funny folding papers on the table.I hope they leave soon. Usually when they go away for a longer time, two old grey humans come to my house. They give me lots of food and let me share in many of their goodies they take with their coffee and tea. Let the good times roll!”

You see, Bundy is a Very Clever Cat.
Just read the following:
“I am treated unfairly. Just this morning I went out in the garden (I was almost forced by my Provider to do so, and it happened to be a very wet morning. So, I just trotted along a bit through the garden and got some mud onto my paws, which is only natural. Then I decided to go in again and be nice and friendly to my Provider. Strangely enough she almost went berserk when I jumped on her lap and put my paws lovingly on her shirt. When I backed off on her desk and moved to and fro on her papers - she got even worse. I decided to behave Worthy, and retreated into the garage where I usually sleep on a pile of shopping bags.Which makes me think: Samuel, were you forced to move? I was. Several times. The last time was the worst. I was moved over a distance of about 200 kilometers. Which is cruel to a cat. I was drugged with some strange jagged little pill, so I was unable to resist. When I came to my senses again, I found myself in totally unknown surroundings. I was forced to spray a lot of you-know-what to mark my new territory. Needless to say that my Providers reacted most unpolitely to this. Life is hard.But, after all, I must admit that I have a rather pleasant house and garden right now. Lots of fieldmice available. Samuel my pal, hold on and be strong but most of all, take it easy.”
Needless to say, I absolutely agree with and support mon amice Bundy.
We are now putting our cat brains together to come up with some really cool schemes…stay posted!

I discovered something really interesting. I was playing on the balcony, when I suddenly saw this little lizard thingy. I chased it into my apartment and whacked it on its tail. The tail came off and started twitching like crazy.
The dumb Animal probably thought that I would be distracted and leave it alone.
Ha! Fat chance! I am not that dense! I properly killed it, lost interest, and let my Provider get rid of it remains. Hey, do I look like an undertaker?!

Now I have been thinking: if the lizard thing can divide itself in two, maybe my Provider can do that as well! So one part can go and work, and the other part can stay home and feed me, play with me and hug me.
During the weekend, I decided to test this theory. I tried to dismember my Human, starting with her foot. She got angry and told me to stop gnawing at her ankle and pushed me outside to play.
Once I declared playtime over and had a refreshing catnap, I waited for my Provider to leave for that fitness center of hers, so I could go online and dig up some info.
I found out that this tail thingy that lizards do is called regeneration. It means that once you loose a body part, it grows back. Now I checked my nether regions (if you catch my drift) but didn’t see my cat jewels growing back. May be I washed myself a little bit too often and too thoroughly there…what do you think?
Anyway, I checked my Provider’s claim that her limbs will not grow back once she looses them…. and I found out that she is correct.
There is a really weird human called Heather Mills McCartney, who is one limb short of a full stack. She lost this limb sometime ago, and I thought that it grew back, since she seems to be walking on a full set.
However, during some kind of protest (Providers have so much energy for that kind of activities!), she lost one of her back paws during a scuffle. Seems that it was a fake one (the back paw, not the scuffle). So she had the re-attach her fake leg.
If Providers would walk on all fours, they wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. You see, when we walk, only 3 feet touch the ground, just check it out. It’s really cool, to quote your cubs.
So for now, I will leave my Provider’s limbs alone. I will think of another Clever Plan, but first I need another nap. Yawn.