Diet Is to Die With A T

My Provider put me on a diet. Well, at least she tried.
It took me two weeks to have her stop that nonsense – but I prevailed!
It took some major psychological warfare, I tell you.
In the end, I had to resort to banging the bedroom door at 2am and 4am.
Ha! That taught her!
I blame her b-f. He put it to her that I might be unhealthy. Pffff, look who’s talking!
I never had the ‘flue in my life, let alone other ailments.

My Provider told me that I should exercise. She is dense – "exercise" equals "ex size"!
I will be a wee skinny kitty if I start working out like she does. I like being a Fat Cat.
But to humor her, I came up with the following feline fitness plan.

Front paw exercise
Stretch paws and hook nails in something soft (eg your Provider’s leg or favorite chair) and pull back.
Repeat as many times as possible before being forcefully removed.

Back paw exerciseBent paws slightly and jump. If possible, jump on tables, cupboards or dogs.
Land on all fours with outstretched nails for maximum effect.
Repeat as many times as possible before dog attacks.

StretchingPlace yourself in front of a closed door (bedroom or study preferred).
Stretch and place front paws on doorknob.
Lean with complete bodyweight forwards – forcefully if possible.
Open door and enter room.
Relax by spreading yourself on soft covers (in bedroom) or papers (in study).
Make sure to deposit hair for maximum effect.
Remain in this position until forcefully removed by Provider or dinnertime, whatever happens first.

Back curve
Block Provider from entering/leaving the room.
Flop on side and bend spine backwards, exposing soft underbelly for belly rub.
Keep this position as long as rub lasts.
To extend rub time, purr.

RunningRun up and down corridors and zip through rooms at top speed between midnight and 4 o’clock in the morning. If Human works nightshifts, reverse times.
Make lots of noises: bumping into objects and clicking of nails on wooden or marble floor is mandatory.
Repeat until Provider gets mad and takes action, or until snack/nap time, whatever comes first.

Obstacle course
Take obstacle course by running into chairs, Provider’s legs or dogs.
Make sure to forcefully move above-mentioned objects by catapulting into them with full bodyweight at top speed.
Repeat until outsmarted (by Provider) or death (of dog).

FishingStretch paw and hook it around a handle (door or fridge) or around zipper (sports or handbag).
Enter room, fridge or bag.
Sniff and play with as many objects as available while shedding hair.
Continue until panic attack of Provider.
(For you who live in a house with a fishtank: insert paw in fishtank and hook fish.
Drop fish on floor. Eat fish or (when vegetarian) beat it to death. Repeat until all fishies are goners or Provider freaks out).

Cool downAfter exercise, stretch and yawn in abundance.
Make sure to choose comfortable spot, such as newspapers, keyboard, TV set or Humans.
Knead object for stress release. Repeat kneading with outstretched claws.
Continue until being pushed/lifted/thrown from location.
Complain loudly – if possible during Provider’s favorite TV show or phone calls.


The best part of this exercise regime: you don’t loose weight!
Because you see, to quote my favorite Author Garfield: “Diet is to Die with a T”.