Well, it goes like this: you will hear a raised voice shouting NOOOO or BAAADD.
When this happens, I advise you to do the following:
- go up to Provider
- flop on back, exposing soft belly
- look up at Provider with wide eyes, tilt head slightly to the side
- try to look adoring
(this is a tough one – please look at the dog tapes, those canines now how to do it, no matter that they are stupid in every other department) - purr - loudly
- (optional) if they are still mad, stretch one front paw and make waving motions
(again - watch the dog tapes - the begging for attention session)
Turn back to normal position and think of the Next Evil Plot.
No need to learn from this experience; Providers fall for it every time!
Providers treasure items that make great cat toys.
However, it is wise not to mess around with them (the times that is - you can mess around with your Provider).
In my case, I found out that I better keep my paws from her beloved books.
Once, I knocked Shakespeare from the bookshelf (made a very satisfying "bump" sound) and as a result, I have been banished from her study ever since.
May be the fact that I also sat on her keyboard and broke off its legs had something to do with it.
(I still think that any decent keyboard should be able to support my 11kg/20lbs weight)
You little felines must have noticed that Providers don’t have any fur - apart from the little tuft on top on their heads.
They realize that they are very ugly without fur, so they cover their bodies up, only leaving their faces and hands exposed.
This is very important, since we need their thumbs to open our cat food.
Their washing ritual is very strange - they seem to be too lazy to use their tongue.
In any case, they would never be able to wash themselves properly since they don't have the flexibility to reach their backs and necks.
They use something called a "shower" that basically is local rain inside the apartment.
It really freaks me out, and I complain about it every morning and evening.
My Provider does not react....
Once I attacked the shower curtain to make my point. She reated by pointing this rain thingy on me and I got wet.
Needless to say, I made her pay by opening one of the desk drawers and taking all her bills out. They made a very pretty pattern on the floor.
Still don't understand why she got upset about that; it is only pieces of paper, so what's the damage?
I tried to teach her once how to wash cat-style by licking her wrist.
She did not like it.... really weird.
Providers are very good at cuddling.
Since we like to be stroked and hugged, this is a Good Thing.
To make sure that they keep stroking you, purr. It is our secret weapon and it took us centuries (since Ancient Egypt) to hone this skill.
Our Providers’ attention is not always focused on Us, the Gorgeous Ones.
This is a chutzpah, of course. There are several ways to grab their attention.
If you are still a little kitten, your best bet is to sit down, to look into an empty corner or up at the ceiling, to flatten ears against head while making eyes round and big. Meow softly.
Once you are a Big Cat like me, do the same, but replace the meowing with piercing screams.
It will make your Provider run to you. It is amazing how fast mine can be!
That brings me top the next point.
You must have noticed, that our Providers walk on their hide legs.
This makes them unstable. To test that, just playfully attack their ankles from behind.
I was not able to mine topple mine yet and make her crash down, but I keep trying. Unfortunately, she is heavily into something called "fitness".
The benefits are, that she can easily scoop me up in her arms and also does not mind me standing on her shoulders.
The disadvantage is, that she can brace herself against my onslaughts and wins.
Ah well, I keep hoping....
The best cuddle time for us felines is the weekend, when our Providers don’t have to leave our apartments to go and work.
Work is a Good Thing (for Providers, dogs and horses, not for us of course!) – it keeps us in comfort and cat food.
During weekends, Providers like to relax on their couches and take a nap.
If you are lucky, they cover themselves with a nice soft blanket, or even better, a duvet.
This is excellent, since duvets are soft and smell of bird feathers.
I like stretching out on top of my Provider.
To make sure that she does not move, I purr. It makes her sleepy so she dozes off.
About food and drink the following.
I still abide by my theory that whatever Providers eat or drink, must be good for us as well.... But to be honest, up till now, I found the stuff that my Provider consumes highly inferior to cat food.
She also drinks brown beverages called "coffee" and "tea" that not only smell horrible, but also are also not sweet!
I conferred with my Cat Neighbor downstairs. Her Provider is Russian and likes ice cream. Mine never buys it, although I keep demanding it.
I once even restored to violence and hit her ankle with my paw.
She just laughed and said that I was uncouth...She also told me that I resemble Ariel (Arik) Sharon.
I watched him on television and I must say...he is gorgeous!
He even wobbles into a room like I do!
He also looks cuddly...that is something I really hold against my Provider.
All this stupid "fitness” stuff makes her too skinny for my taste.
Every weekend, I try to find soft spots on the body of my Provider.
I start with her shoulders (too bony), go to her neck (too skinny), on to her stomach (nothing there) to her tights (all muscle) and finally her belly (hooray, at last some fat!)
Still, as soon as I start kneading, she activates her muscles and it is not so soft anymore...
Well my fellow felines, that’s enough pearls of wisdom for now.
It’s time to go into my energy saving mode, zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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