Missing A Chrismas Tree

I am a Deprived Cat.
My friend Bundy (who lives in another country) has Providers that schlepped in a big leafy dead tree that is perfect to climb in.
For reasons that still puzzle us both, they decorated the Dead Thing with ornaments
(little balls that make a wonderful breaking sound if you hit them hard enough with your paw) and streamers that ask to be attacked, dislodged, and dragged around the house.

All that my Provider does is lighting candles for something called Hanukkah.
I looked it up on Internet and saw that involves a treat or gift every day for 8 days.
Hurray! (I thought).
Alas, no such luck…all I get is the same-same cat food.
Not only that, I get less than I used to since she put me on a diet.
I showed her how upset I was by breaking a big seashell that she collected.
I knew that it would get to her: she got that shell thingy when she was walking with her b-f on the beach.
I was not invited, which I also resent, since a beach is just one big fresh-smelling cat litter box.
OK, the wind and water stuff are drawbacks, but still, they should at least have invited Moi!

It seems that the tree thingy is related to something called “Christmas”.
I wondered when Catmas will be recognized…I think I should write another email to Kofi Annan, although he seems to be busy something to do with a food scandal.
Since no cat nibbles were involved, I don’t care.

So I had no choice but the skip Christmas – and concentrate on the new year.
It is customary for Providers to make Resolutions, which are empty promises and unrealistic goals that they announce to other Humans (under the influence of something called “alcohol”, which is to them what catnip is to us).

I don’t think my Provider ever makes a list – she is a down-to-earth sort of Human.
That is in itself a Good Thing – she never goes mushy and calls me her “fur baby” or some sentimental drivel like that.
She treat me like a feline and not a human cub, I have to grant her that.

I made my list consisting of realistic goals and ambitions:

1. Enforce attention by sitting on phone, thus disconnecting it
2. Learn to open more cupboards and fish out papers
3. Make fresh laundry favorite nap place. As an alternative, Provider’s black clothes will do nicely (since I am one big furry white cat!)
4. Break gifts from b-f. He gets way too much attention (and hugs), which means, I get less!
5. Increase number of hugs by jumping on Provider and immobilizing her with body weight (damn the diet!)
6. Mess up diet my breaking into kitchen cabinet for cat food
7. Break into fridge to check out Provider’s food (like smoked salmon)
8. Harass dogs
9. Suck up to neighbors in case Provider has to travel again (they are OK as back up Providers)
10. Keep chewing on books, especially when Provider is reading them
11. Try to confiscate pen when Provider is writing
12. Increase “wild hour” during night (imitating the invasion of the Vandals in Europe is a good start)
13. Try not to be scared of pigeons – may be Provider is right and I should squash them by sitting on them….
14. Try to get “Cats & Dogs” on VoD channel
15. Try to get entrance to Provider’s bedroom (it’s chutzpah that I am not allowed in!)
16. Keep on writing blog