Missing A Chrismas Tree

I am a Deprived Cat.
My friend Bundy (who lives in another country) has Providers that schlepped in a big leafy dead tree that is perfect to climb in.
For reasons that still puzzle us both, they decorated the Dead Thing with ornaments
(little balls that make a wonderful breaking sound if you hit them hard enough with your paw) and streamers that ask to be attacked, dislodged, and dragged around the house.

All that my Provider does is lighting candles for something called Hanukkah.
I looked it up on Internet and saw that involves a treat or gift every day for 8 days.
Hurray! (I thought).
Alas, no such luck…all I get is the same-same cat food.
Not only that, I get less than I used to since she put me on a diet.
I showed her how upset I was by breaking a big seashell that she collected.
I knew that it would get to her: she got that shell thingy when she was walking with her b-f on the beach.
I was not invited, which I also resent, since a beach is just one big fresh-smelling cat litter box.
OK, the wind and water stuff are drawbacks, but still, they should at least have invited Moi!

It seems that the tree thingy is related to something called “Christmas”.
I wondered when Catmas will be recognized…I think I should write another email to Kofi Annan, although he seems to be busy something to do with a food scandal.
Since no cat nibbles were involved, I don’t care.

So I had no choice but the skip Christmas – and concentrate on the new year.
It is customary for Providers to make Resolutions, which are empty promises and unrealistic goals that they announce to other Humans (under the influence of something called “alcohol”, which is to them what catnip is to us).

I don’t think my Provider ever makes a list – she is a down-to-earth sort of Human.
That is in itself a Good Thing – she never goes mushy and calls me her “fur baby” or some sentimental drivel like that.
She treat me like a feline and not a human cub, I have to grant her that.

I made my list consisting of realistic goals and ambitions:

1. Enforce attention by sitting on phone, thus disconnecting it
2. Learn to open more cupboards and fish out papers
3. Make fresh laundry favorite nap place. As an alternative, Provider’s black clothes will do nicely (since I am one big furry white cat!)
4. Break gifts from b-f. He gets way too much attention (and hugs), which means, I get less!
5. Increase number of hugs by jumping on Provider and immobilizing her with body weight (damn the diet!)
6. Mess up diet my breaking into kitchen cabinet for cat food
7. Break into fridge to check out Provider’s food (like smoked salmon)
8. Harass dogs
9. Suck up to neighbors in case Provider has to travel again (they are OK as back up Providers)
10. Keep chewing on books, especially when Provider is reading them
11. Try to confiscate pen when Provider is writing
12. Increase “wild hour” during night (imitating the invasion of the Vandals in Europe is a good start)
13. Try not to be scared of pigeons – may be Provider is right and I should squash them by sitting on them….
14. Try to get “Cats & Dogs” on VoD channel
15. Try to get entrance to Provider’s bedroom (it’s chutzpah that I am not allowed in!)
16. Keep on writing blog

Words Of THe Wise To You Kittens

You wee little kittens might wonder how you know that you do something your provider doesn’t like.
Well, it goes like this: you will hear a raised voice shouting NOOOO or BAAADD.

When this happens, I advise you to do the following:

1. go up to Provider
2. flop on back, exposing soft belly
3. look up at Provider with wide eyes, tilt head slightly to the side
4. try to look adoring
   (this is a tough one – please look at the dog tapes, those canines now how to do it, no matter that they are stupid in every other department)
5. purr - loudly
6. (optional) if they are still mad, stretch one front paw and make waving motions
   (again - watch the dog tapes - the begging for attention session)

Your Provider will react by rubbing your belly and cooing how cute you are.
Turn back to normal position and think of the Next Evil Plot.
No need to learn from this experience; Providers fall for it every time!

Providers treasure items that make great cat toys.
However, it is wise not to mess around with them (the times that is - you can mess around with your Provider).
In my case, I found out that I better keep my paws from her beloved books.
Once, I knocked Shakespeare from the bookshelf (made a very satisfying "bump" sound) and as a result, I have been banished from her study ever since.
May be the fact that I also sat on her keyboard and broke off its legs had something to do with it.
(I still think that any decent keyboard should be able to support my 11kg/20lbs weight)

You little felines must have noticed that Providers don’t have any fur - apart from the little tuft on top on their heads.
They realize that they are very ugly without fur, so they cover their bodies up, only leaving their faces and hands exposed.
This is very important, since we need their thumbs to open our cat food.
Their washing ritual is very strange - they seem to be too lazy to use their tongue.
In any case, they would never be able to wash themselves properly since they don't have the flexibility to reach their backs and necks.
They use something called a "shower" that basically is local rain inside the apartment.
It really freaks me out, and I complain about it every morning and evening.
My Provider does not react....
Once I attacked the shower curtain to make my point. She reated by pointing this rain thingy on me and I got wet.
Needless to say, I made her pay by opening one of the desk drawers and taking all her bills out. They made a very pretty pattern on the floor.
Still don't understand why she got upset about that; it is only pieces of paper, so what's the damage?
I tried to teach her once how to wash cat-style by licking her wrist.
She did not like it.... really weird.
Providers are very good at cuddling.
Since we like to be stroked and hugged, this is a Good Thing.
To make sure that they keep stroking you, purr. It is our secret weapon and it took us centuries (since Ancient Egypt) to hone this skill.
Our Providers’ attention is not always focused on Us, the Gorgeous Ones.
This is a chutzpah, of course. There are several ways to grab their attention.
If you are still a little kitten, your best bet is to sit down, to look into an empty corner or up at the ceiling, to flatten ears against head while making eyes round and big. Meow softly.
Once you are a Big Cat like me, do the same, but replace the meowing with piercing screams.
It will make your Provider run to you. It is amazing how fast mine can be!
That brings me top the next point.
You must have noticed, that our Providers walk on their hide legs.
This makes them unstable. To test that, just playfully attack their ankles from behind.
I was not able to mine topple mine yet and make her crash down, but I keep trying. Unfortunately, she is heavily into something called "fitness".
The benefits are, that she can easily scoop me up in her arms and also does not mind me standing on her shoulders.
The disadvantage is, that she can brace herself against my onslaughts and wins.
Ah well, I keep hoping....

The best cuddle time for us felines is the weekend, when our Providers don’t have to leave our apartments to go and work.
Work is a Good Thing (for Providers, dogs and horses, not for us of course!) – it keeps us in comfort and cat food.
During weekends, Providers like to relax on their couches and take a nap.
If you are lucky, they cover themselves with a nice soft blanket, or even better, a duvet.
This is excellent, since duvets are soft and smell of bird feathers.
I like stretching out on top of my Provider.
To make sure that she does not move, I purr. It makes her sleepy so she dozes off.

About food and drink the following.
I still abide by my theory that whatever Providers eat or drink, must be good for us as well.... But to be honest, up till now, I found the stuff that my Provider consumes highly inferior to cat food.
She also drinks brown beverages called "coffee" and "tea" that not only smell horrible, but also are also not sweet!
I conferred with my Cat Neighbor downstairs. Her Provider is Russian and likes ice cream. Mine never buys it, although I keep demanding it.
I once even restored to violence and hit her ankle with my paw.
She just laughed and said that I was uncouth...She also told me that I resemble Ariel (Arik) Sharon.
I watched him on television and I must say...he is gorgeous!
He even wobbles into a room like I do!
He also looks cuddly...that is something I really hold against my Provider.
All this stupid "fitness” stuff makes her too skinny for my taste.
Every weekend, I try to find soft spots on the body of my Provider.
I start with her shoulders (too bony), go to her neck (too skinny), on to her stomach (nothing there) to her tights (all muscle) and finally her belly (hooray, at last some fat!)
Still, as soon as I start kneading, she activates her muscles and it is not so soft anymore...

Well my fellow felines, that’s enough pearls of wisdom for now.
It’s time to go into my energy saving mode, zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

About Fluffy The Cat

Fluffy is an American cat who lives with his Provider Al Martin next to a golf course.
Golf is a stupid game, where Humans hit a ball and go to retrieve it. Hello, what do you Humans think dogs are for?!
Needless to day, Fluffy also doesn’t understand the fun of this game.
But he likes to prowl around and check if there are any feline activities in the making.
Guess, what? There are!

Those golf players are really old Humans that drive big cars, such as Cadillacs, to the golf course. They decorate their cars with little American flags, which seems to be some kind of Statement.
The little flags flap in the wind, so they are perfect cat toys.
Fluffy likes to jump on the cars and hit the flags with his paw.
Since he doesn’t retract his nails, his poor claw gets stuck in the fabric.
To detangle himself, he has to rip the flag right off the little wooden pole.
This is not a great loss, since those flags cost less than $1 each and are produced in China, which gives heaps of Chinese Providers employment.

The Ancient Human Golfing Brigade bitterly complained to Fluffy’s Provider.
That shows you that they must all be dog lovers.
I bet they have those pesty little barking dogs the size of a teacup, that they feed lots of sweets, so they (the dogs) look like overstuffed sausages.
You have to understand that Fluffy’s Human has a good sense of humor (it happens to all cat owners in the end), so he informed the ex-flag owners that Fluffy is an Enlightened Cat (makes sense, since Fluffy is a fan of the Renaissance epoque) and fights against the spread of “Dangerous Blind Patriotism”.
Being dog owners (like that Bush Person), they believed it.
The fact that Fluffy walks around wearing a little army helmet that says “Big Red One” might have something to do with it.
I like Fluffy, although I wish he would cut down on the catnip.
You see, his Provider started growing and giving him more and more catnip, so now he is stoned out of his cat skull half of the time.
That is a Bad Thing – Providers and cats should stay away from drugs.

I personally had a very traumatic experience with cinnamon.
My Provider used to keep all her herbs and spices on a shelf in the kitchen.
One day, I checked it out and knocked down a bottle of cinnamon that broke.
I was covered in the stuff, so as any good cat would do, I washed myself thoroughly.
How could I have known that the effect on my system is similar to what speed does to Humans?
Did it come with a warning? NO!
So I got all hyped up, and could not stop running up and down.
My vision was not so good either, since my pupils were all dilated.
As a result, I kept bumping into furniture.
When my Provider came home and saw this, she put me in the balcony to calm down.
She also called a friend (an Agricultural Engineer) to ask what the problem was.
He (although a dog lover, he is OK in my book) told her that we cats are highly allergic to cinnamon and if we get it in a concentrated form in our bodies, we die. Yuck!
My Provider immediately moved all the little bottles to a safe place, out of paw reach.

So if you want to remain a healthy feline, remember: catnip and cinnamon is to cats what alcohol and Prozac is to the Bush family…

Why We Cats Are Perfect Companions

My Provider has a b-f  of the human kind.
I tried to explain to her that I am all she needs for companionship, but she doesn’t believe me. I am pretty sure I am not the only one Suffering, so I compiled a list of reasons why We, Cats, are better than humans….

• We don’t have problems expressing affection in public. We don't brag about whom we slept with (OK, we don’t remember, but still…).
• We don't correct your stories or criticize your friends (although we know that you talk drivel and your friends smell of dog).
• We don’t want you to loose weight – au contraire, please gain a few pounds!
• We never say that you look fat in that outfit (just take it off and let us sleep on it).
• We are not threatened by your intelligence; compared to Us you have a birdbrain anyway.
• We don’t steal your remote control, we don’t speak on the phone non-stop, and we are never online when you want to.
• We don’t max out your credit card.
• We don't ask "where have you been" - just don't leave us again, OK?!
• When we leave you, we don’t sue for alimony or palimony – we just erase you from our memory.
• We don’t care what your race, sex or age is – as long as you adore us.
• We don’t join unions or political parties; therefore, we are ultimate PC.
• We don’t run off to sports events or watch games on TV.
• We hate everyone that infers with our comfort – being it a fly or a terrorist.
• We don’t go joy riding in your car.
• We don’t spoil your pleasure by telling you who-done-it” (although we know…)
• We don’t celebrate birthdays and holidays – everyday is a Cat Holiday.
• We are non-religious, since we are Divine and need to be worshipped.

And best of all:You cannot hurt our feelings……upsetting us, annoying us, yes, but hurting our feelings, no.
You see, we have healthy self esteem, you see, that’s why we never need a shrink!
Must be because we are so gorgeous, divine and superior.....