It's Not Easy Being Owned By a Professional!

Sometimes I wish my Provider was not Internet-savvy.
I don’t mind her surfing for more info on how to pamper and adore Moi, but I do mind when she gets ideas about cat diets!
I am NOT a fat cat, mind you; I just have heavy bones.

Since my Provider works out a lot anyway, I don’t see the issue of me being the size and weight of a 3-year old human cub.
She can still easily lift and hug me!

I know that my Provider is going to change my cat food – that I don’t mind, I tried the sample she brought in and liked it.
It’s tasty and double the price, heh, heh.

We cats get a lot of attention, but American cats are truly pampered.
In the US, there are pet resorts, cat yoga, feng shui pet gardens and Retin-A acne treatments for us cats.

They also do a lot of research on Us Gorgeous Beings.
The National Academy of Sciences produced a hefty 450-page report after reviewing 25 years of scientific papers on cat nutrition.

The report claims that like our Humans, we cats can be obese and run a higher risk of developing diabetes, heart disease or other problems. Ugh!
One in every four cats in the Western world seems to have a weight problem.
(Not me of course - I am just big boned)
The report also sets new dietary guidelines for cats, including specific nutrient requirements for protein, fat, vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, fiber and additives.
I don’t mind, as long as the food is tasty, expensive and includes seafood.

On TV, there are those weird (and boring) reality shows about Humans loosing weight.
It involves a lot of crying, shouting and suffering.
I don’t get it, and I have to say, neither does my Provider, so I don’t have to watch that drivel.
However, some bewildered soul thought it was a Good Idea to translate this diet thingy concept to Us Cats.
Hence the Hill's 2006 National PetFit Challenge.

It’s more a competition for Humans than for Us Cats, if you ask me.
(Yes, I know I am cynical, but hey, hanging out with my cynical Provider for more than 7 years does that to a feline).

You see, Hill is the producer of cat food, so it’s (to quote my Provider, who works in the field and knows a thing or two about this kind of stuff) a marketing & PR stunt.

She has a point – the winners of the competition (cat + provider) receive money (which goes to the provider; as we all know, real cats don’t shop, unless it's for food online with PayPal or credit card), a year's supply of pricey pet food (OK, but is it to our taste? We are not dogs, you know, we have our own mind!) and free airline tickets to stay at an "upscale pet-friendly hotel".
Pffff, don’t they realize that cats don’t like to fly? Airplanes are smelly, uncomfortable and bounce around a lot. Bloody uncomfortable. If we have to travel, let's do it by train - Orient Express style of course!) or in a Rolls Royce, which is a nice and quiet car.

And another thing - which feline cares about staying in a hotel?
I like my own 4.5 room apartment with 2 terraces very much, so unless it’s a hotel with room service on the level of the Waldorf Astoria or Four Seasons, I don’t see any good reason to stay in another place.

 
OK, may be at Angelina Jolie’s home - she looks like a great cat person and comes with 3 cute Human cubs to play with - but that’s it!

In the mean time, I keep a watchful eye on my Provider in case she wants to enter me in some kind of competition.
You never know, she has those very human ideas - she still doesn't think like a cat.

I think I better cut down on ordering cat pizzas when she is at work and start doing more cat yoga exercises…..it might fool her!

A Case of Catkidnap

We all know that felines are gorgeous, so when one of us is being snatched by envious Humans, we should not be surprised.

Personally, nobody ever tried to snatch me – but that might be due to my watchful Provider.

Lola the Cat however, fell victim to this Hideous Crime.
Lola lives in a place called Wethersfield, Connecticut.
She has an excellent Human taking care of her - Linda Korba.
Linda is the manager of a garden center called Comstock, Ferre & Co., which is a fun place to live for any feline.
However, Korba has an Evil Neighbor- Paula Rubinow, owner of the Main Street Creamery & Café.

Paula (who must be a dog lover!) snatched poor Lola and gave her to strangers.
Needless to say, Lola was NOT a happy cat, and promptly ran off to find her Linda Provider again.
Lola was found a mile or so away from her original home.

All well that ends well….The Evil Human claimed that she didn’t know that Lola was not a stray cat. Yeah, sure, and Bush is a clever guy! Pfffffff.

Cats of Wethersfield, please go patrolling the neighborhood to prevent more catkidnaps.
Oh yeah, and if you want to help yourself to some of the main Street Creamery & Café goodies – go ahead!

Samuel the Cat – watchcat at large

Dogs Are The Root mOf All Evil

Dogs are the root of all evil - and now we have proof!

I knew it!
Dogs are a pest, and if you don’t believe me, just check out the latest article in the New York Times (a wordy and worthy newspaper that makes excellent cat litter box lining!)
You see, the wonderful humans at the NYT quoted a study done by human vet doctors.
They have found out that having a dog in the house may worsen the symptoms of children with asthma.

(For those of you who don’t know what that is, it involves a lot of wheezing, sneezing and heavy breathing on the part of young humans - it is really dangerous and the poor things suffer a lot.)
It seems that canines are somehow aggravating asthmatic responses to air pollution.
In households with cats, however, there was no detectable effect, the study reports.
No surprise there!

The cause of the effect is not clear to our bewildered humans.
“We think it’s probably not allergy to dogs, otherwise we would expect to see an effect of air pollution with cats,” said Dr. Rob S. McConnell, the lead author of the study and professor of preventive medicine at the University of Southern California.
“It’s the synergy between air pollution and dogs that makes the story.”

Well, we all know that dogs are responsible for a lot of pollution – and I am not only talking about their deposits on the sidewalk.
Heaps of them lack the elegance of Us Felines and are therefore guilty of what my Provider calls “visual pollution”.
(I think it’s a political correct word of calling someone damn ugly – heh, heh)

In short, let’s go for a clean planet and start with getting rid of all dogs!

We Cats Have Been Brilliant Throughout The Ages

As I stated many times before, we felines are mind-boggling brilliant.
Providers, as we cats all know, are quite dumb.
I often hear my Provider blab to another human that so-or-so has the attention span of a cat.

So what, I say? Who cares about the past? How long can we sustain ourselves on yesterday’s meals? Mmmm?
Humans have a fascination with the past, quite likely because they make such a mess of the present.

In a place called Caithness (located in a cat loving country called “Scotland”).

Humans used to build shelters there for dead Providers (called burial cairns) and ancient towers called brochs.

This was a long time ago, quite likely before they realized that it was all a bloody waste of time and effort.

Humans that are by profession something called archaeologists (all they do the whole day is dig, looking for all stuff and bones. A canine thing to do, and very uncatlike!

When humans don’t understand something, they come up with wild theories. I am puzzled about this – why use those brainwaves on non-food related activities?

Anyway, humans found animal remains in those cairn thingies and started theorizing about animal sacrifices and such. They also reconstructed one of those cairns to see how it functioned. As we cats know, life is a lot simpler that Humans think.

One of our fellow felines did the sensible thing – where better to hide your prey than among dead people in a nice, quiet, cozy cairn? That’s what happened, our unnamed hero M/F left a dead rabbit in the cairn to retrieve later.

The archeologist humans got all excited about it – not for the obvious reason that they wanted to feast on the tasty morsel, but because the cat was so clever and showed them, how the animal remains ended up in the burial place.

No fancy schmenzy rituals, just plain simple cat brainpower!
Sometimes I wonder what my Provider would do without my pearls of catwisdom…

The Willy Way

Personally, I love shoes. Whenever my Provider comes come and takes off her shoes, I pounce on them, sniffing and playing with them.
My favorite: her sport shoes, although she claims that they smell. Yeah, that’s the whole idea, stupid!

As we all know, humans have this annoying habit of washing and cleaning themselves, their clothes and their apartments, which makes our job of marking our territory damn difficult.

It seems that most Providers, unlike mine, refuse to lend their felines their footwear for cat entertainment.
Since we cats are quite inventive, we find a way.
Take my fellow feline Willy the Cat.
His fetish: gloves aka handwear.

(For all you kittens out there: the front paws of Humans are called “hands” (very good for stroking cat fur and opening cat food packages and tins) and their back paws are called “feet” (awkward body parts that somehow balance their whole upright bodies – don’t try to figure that one out, must be a design flaw)

Willy lives in place called Pelham, NY, where Humans work in something they call “gardens”. (Just some pieces of land that is great to roll around in, although humans freak out when you do that. If you don't believe me, ask my friend Bundy).
Since humans do not have proper claws, they dig in the soil with metal thingies wearing gloves. Just what Willy likes!
  
He loves to sneak into gardens and carry off those gardening gloves.

Willy’s Providers put his trophies on a clothesline strung across their front fence with the sign:
"Our cat is a glove snatcher. Please take these if yours."

This is quite humiliating of course.
When other humans starting checking this out, Willy pretended not to notice and went on playing with a beetle in the driveway.
Ha! That will serve them right!
What happened to “innocent until proven guilty”?

Obviously, the glove game only works in the summer.
Willy gets his prey during daytime raids, often taking two trips to get a matching pair.
So what is our creative friend going to do during the winter, when humans don’t garden?
He goes for dirty socks from the laundry room.
Let this be a lesson to all felines:
“where there is a will(y), there is way”

Feline On A Leash! Quel Horreur!

Florida is part of earth where old Providers go to take long naps.
The climate is excellent and they love to warm their old, wrinkled, furless bodies in the sun. They copied that from us, felines, but that’s OK.

What is not OK, is that a political something-or-other human in Martin County wants cats to be leashed.

Yes, you read it correctly!
Due to those pesty dogs (and may be also crocodiles, it being Florida and all), they launched a leash law in Martin County in 2003, requiring all pets to be on leashes when they are outside their owners' property.
This is of course Stupid and Undignified!

Cat lovers are clever humans, so they tried to exempt us felines from this stupid leash law.
The Martin County commissioner, a human that listens to the name Lee Weberman, supported their efforts, until recently.
He suddenly yanked his support for their efforts, claiming that he may have been a little premature. How come premature? He is male, so it’s not like giving prematurely birth to a litter or something like that!
He gave a very political (read: poppycock) reason: “It's not the right time to modify this ordinance.”
I read this as: “I need the votes of dog owners for my reelection.”

The local felines have a champion in Maris Sine, who correctly statesd that cat lovers want to get rid of the leash law so they can promote a practice of spaying and neutering abandoned cats and keeping them in colonies instead of them being killed at shelters.
Requiring all cats to be on leashes and fining pet owners who don't leash their cats would make that practice impossible. Way to go, Maris!

Another human, Kristen Neilander, said the County recently fined her $575 (which is lots of cat food and toys, my lovelies!) after catching five of the cats she managed without a leash in her colony. She is fighting those fines. (Way to go, girl!)
“I'm not sure you are aware of how difficult it is to put a cat on a leash and walk it,” Neilander told the W. person.
That stupid Commissioner person reacted by saying that a task force of residents asked for the leash law to be expanded in 2003, so he doesn't want to completely rewrite that law.
He went on by saying that he thought that the cat lovers just wanted some tweaking, so he misunderstood.
Well, my Provider is rather nifty with the written word, so I hereby donate her services (she is something called a “lawyer”) free of charge for the Greater Good of Felineness.
I bet she can do that rewrite within one day – obviously she has more grey brain matter than that Weberman nickenpoop.
And if you don’t believe me, ask my friend Bundy or Morty (see picture)!

Coffee, Anyone?

My Provider drinks heaps of hot brown stuff called “coffee”.
I tried it and didn’t like it.
My conclusion was: cats and coffee don’t mix.
But then I read about Kopi Luwak (Civet Coffee).
You see, I want to keep on the good side of my Provider, so I try to find some articles linking her love for coffee to Moi.

For you ignorandi of the human variety - a luwak is a marsupial aka a common palm civet or toddy cat.
These distant cat cousins live in tropical rainforests (from northern India to the Philippines). They like to climbs coffee trees and eat the coffee cherries.
(I prefer Meow Mix, but then, I don’t climb trees – too much of an effort!)

Being cats, luwaks like to eat the ripest and reddest coffee beans, which humans normally use for brewing that coffee stuff.
After eating the outer covering of the beans, they don’t have a use for the rest so the berry thingies pass through their bodies and are deposited off in a proper cat way.
Local humans gather them and sell them to coffee dealers.
The beans are washed, lightly roasted and sold to other humans.

It takes a lot of humans to do this, so the annual production is 500 lbs (227 kg) – which is about what I consume in cat food.
A bloody waste of effort, methinks, but Humans are Weird Animals and pay mucho for their cup of “cat poop coffee”.
I offered my Provider to chew and pass coffee beans for her, but she doesn’t seem to buy into this “rich, strong aroma with a complex and gamey flavor”.

I might be wrong, but I heard her murmuring “marketing crap” when I showed her the article. May be she is not such a dumb human after all….

Lewis The Cat On Death Row!

I was watching TV yesterday, when I heard some horrific cat news:
they want to condemn my fellow feline Lewis to death!
Yes, really, I am not joking (although I have a superb sense of humor, mind you!).

Lewis the Cat bears a resemblance to the famous Felix the Cat (and my not yet so famous pal Bundy; ergo: he is gorgeous) and has six toes with an impressive nail on each foot. As you know, this is not uncommon in cats, although I have the standard number of toes.
Lewis lives in a quiet Fairfield, Connecticut, neighborhood with his human Ruth Cisero.

He was minding his own business when this Avon Lady Human started to mess with him.
When this Avon Person was getting out of her car, Lewis approached her from behind, making it clear that she had no business in his ‘hood.
She ended up going to the hospital and filed a lawsuit in some Superior Court against his Provider.
Tell me, can you blame him? Those door-to-door salespersons are a pest (as are telemarketers who wake me up at ungodly hours).

The neighbors didn’t like poor Lewis as well – they called him the “Terrorist of Sunset Circle,” which is a whole bunch of dog pooh.
As a result, poor Lewis got a restraining order (courtesy of Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira).
Originally, this restraining order allowed him limited freedom if his Provider gave him Prozac. Stupid idea – show me any cat that likes (un)controlled substances except catnip!
Lewis refused to become a druggie or to be confided to his home.
He went out and had another altercation with a neighbor.

That Solveira Person promptly placed Lewis under house arrest, which means that he is forbidden to leave his home.
She also arrested his Provider for failing to comply with the restraining order and then for reckless endangerment. Pfffff.

And that’s not the end of it – they are dragging poor Lewis into court claiming that he is dangerous and should be put to death.
Lewis is not stupid, so he hired defense lawyer Eugene Riccio. Good thinking!

In the mean time, we have to do what we can to save our poor Feline Brother.
Support already came from an unlikely corner - Petey the dog is a staunch defender of Lewis. He even showed up at the Bridgeport's Golden Hill Street Court to pledge his support.
You see, Petey, living with four cats, gets scratched sometimes.
He understands that it’s the nature of the feline, so he never pressed charges against them.
A wise attitude - those pesty Humans (who acquitted O.J., mind you!) should do the same!

Judge Patrick Carroll will rule on June 20. I will keep you posted of course.

Ypern and Cats - Not a Match Made in Heaven

I am always on the lookout for parties. What can I say, I am one cool party animal. Surfing the web, I came across a “catfest” (cat festival) in Ypres or Ypern, Belgium.

I was all excited – a special cat day with parade and all that for Us, Felines!
For those of you who haven’t got a clue, during the Middle Ages, Ypern was a prosperous town of 80.000 Providers.
Its main source of income was linen trade with England.
During this time, since 1476 to be precise, they would throw cats off the cloth halls to get rid of evil. Ha! That act itself is ultimate evil if you ask me!
Needless to say, they also held witch trials and eliminated a whole bunch of perfectly good Providers. Dumbos!

The people of Ypres were not alone in their “cattacide” – they would burn and kill felines all over Europe. I bet it was a Canine Plot to gain power.
You see, in early medieval times, we cats were symbols of bad spirits and we were accused of predicting disasters and mischief.
Stupid humans - that would interfere too much with our naptime!
Germanic tribes sacrificed us to keep evil ghosts away and Christians saw us as a sign of the devil or witchcraft. In short, we were not that popular and were not welcome anywhere.
Oh, how we pined at that time for Ancient Egypt, where they knew how to appreciate us!

To come back to Ypern, they had a rather original way of getting rid of any cats that were found. Our fellow felines were simply thrown from the Belfort Tower. Quel Horreur!

I am happy to inform you that nowadays they throw toy cats from the town hall tower after an elaborate parade called “Kattenstoet.”
The parade depicts the history of cats.
I like the concept of this parade. You see, it is highly educational (even for canines), since it features different themes, such as Cat Worship in History (with The Egyptian Cat), The Cat in Language and Legend, The Cat around the World, The Ypres Cat, and The Condemnation of Cats and Witches.
These tableaux are watched by many children and young people, which is a Good Thing, since they have to be trained as Providers.
Adult Humans realize how Gorgeous we felines are and dress up in cat costumes and try to improve their furless features with cat makeup.
In case you want to watch it, this Kattenstoet thingy is held every three years -the most recent one in May 2006.

Since having a cat parade is a concept we should implement worldwide, I suggest the following:

• Carnival in Rio will be changed to Catnival in Rio
• Macy’s Thanksgiving Day’s Parade will be changed to Garfield’s Thanksgiving Day's Parade
• At the State Opening of Parliament, the Black Rod will be replaced with a Black Cat (I suggest my friend Bundy)

What about it, Fellow Felines, in the mood for some serious partying?

I Am One Upset Feline!

My Provider left me again – for two whole weeks!
So I was left all alone (that is - apart from the neighbors who came in twice a day to feed me and play with me and apart from a friend who came five times to change my cat litter – but I was still a poor lonely soul, I tell you!).
You get the point - I had plenty of time to think between catnaps & snoozes and plotted how to reach world domination (without too much effort, mind you).

My Provider has something called a “resume” aka “curriculum vitae” which seems to describe her life.
Ha! I read it and it doesn’t say anything about the important elements in her pathetic life like Moi. It just mentioned all that stuff she does in her office, which is not in my dwellings.
This resume-thingy seems to work though, since she is duly employed and thus makes enough money to buy me cat food and such.
If she can find other employers with a resume, I could find an even better Provider.
I wouldn’t mind at all to improve my life by becoming a very spoilt and pampered Hollywood cat.

(My Provider pointed out that I am already spoilt and pampered, but that just shows you how dense she is, since there is ample room for improvement.
Just to give some examples: 1) I am not allowed in her bedroom, 2) I am not allowed to shop online for cat food and toys using her credit card and 3) I am not allowed to walk on tables).

Therefore, I decided to send out my cat resume to potential Providers such as George Clooney and Beyonce.

Here it goes:

Name: Samuel Clemens The Cat
Born: Yes
Sex: None since my snip, snip operation
Age: 7 in cat years, which equals 47 in human years
Race: European shorthair
Skills: Blogging, napping, playing, sleeping, chasing bugs and geckos, snoozing, training
humans, relaxing, eating, catching zzzz

Accomplishments:

• Training current human companion for 7 years and turning her into a decent Provider
• Blogging about my sorrows and updating own website
• Keeping in touch with my cat friends, especially Bundy and Ariel

Potential:
I would make a great Master of the Universe.
If this cannot be achieved shortly, before my next nap, I am also open for acting gigs and 6-figure book deals.
References:
Cats: Bundy (friend), Ariel (friend), Louie “the claw” Cattino (cousin)
Humans: Provider, neighbors (they know how to take care of me!), Ruth (friend of Provider
and great cat litter changer), Rachel (friend of Provider and very cuddly.
Rachel’s husband thinks the same, hence their recent addition in the form of a young
male cub).
What do you think; do I have a change to improve my life with this resume?

The Cat of Downing Street 10

I have some sad news for all you felines.

One of our distinguished cat friends has passed away.

Yes, Humphrey the Downing Street Number 10 cat has died.

The feline died last week at the home of a Cabinet Office worker who took him in when he “retired.”

Humphrey left Downing Street shortly after the Blair Brood took over residence in 1997.

It seems that amid persistent reports that Cherie did not like him. It was rumored that Mrs. Blair was allergic to cats, or found them unhygienic.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “I can confirm we have been told that Humphrey sadly died last week some time.”

His retirement was not completely voluntarily.

In 1997, Humphrey bowed out of front-line politics after eight years at Number 10.

A Downing Street spokesman said Humphrey had been suffering from a kidney complaint and had lost interest in food.

A vet advised he would be better off living in the peace and quiet of the London suburbs away from the cut and thrust of political life.

Humphrey's departure brought a swift reaction from the Opposition.

The Conservative Constitutional Affairs spokesman, Nigel Evans, linked it to the controversy over the Formula One chief's donation to the Labor Party. The Government subsequently said the sport would be exempted from a tobacco-advertising ban.

“Humphrey clearly can't stand the stench of hypocrisy which reeks from Downing Street after the 'donations for exemptions' affair,”" said Mr Evans.

“Humphrey is voting with his paws to leave the Downing Street lair. After eight happy years under a Conservative government he could only take six months of Labor before he lost interest in living.”

During his lifetime, Humphrey enjoyed the attentions of many admirers.

The government paid for his food and he cleverly would perch atop a vent to enjoy the hot air from Number 10. Well, that is the official version, but we felines know that he was patrolling up and down the street to check out crimes and misdemeanors.

He was a relaxed cat and knew that Downing Street was his.

Once, then president Bill Clinton’s two-ton bulletproof Cadillac narrowly avoided “splatting” him under its wheels. Well, we all know how Humphrey got even – talking to the Starr cat!

Being the "mouser in chief" and most famous pet in a country of animal worshippers is not bad at all.

I wonder if I could apply for the job?

Although it takes pig paws to fill his footsteps:

“World of politics mourns a legend,” headlined the Sun, Britain's largest circulation daily newspaper.

I will take a nap now and think it over.

Cousin Louie To The Rescue

I am still on my diet, so I am one big unhappy cat.
My stupid Provider still doesn’t understand that I am not fat, just well rounded (in more than one way, I might add!)
So what if I am 22lbs/10 kg?
I am a cat of Substance!

I regularly ransack her fridge and cupboards – to no prevail.
Why don’t Humans eat cat nibbles?
They do eat fish, but they should stay away from that pasta and rice stuff – not tasty at all! (Trust me, I tried)

My Provider is quite clever (for a non-feline that is), so she understood that I am cheating on my diet.
She just didn’t figure out how.
Ha! Before those Humans invented Internet, we already had catternet.
It’s the coolest thing – we communicate by sending messages via brainwaves and the occasional sound byte.
It’s secure, efficient and cost effective.
(Yuck, I sound like by Provider – she writes that kind of drivel as part of her job. Yep, it is strange, but it keeps Moi in cat litter and cat snacks, so I don’t complain too much).

Anyway, this diet was really ticking me off, so I sent an urgent cat message to my cousin Louie “The Claw” Cattino.
He is one clever cat (he lives in Manhattan, so he is very sophisticated and streetwise).
He has a huge network of felines that do all kind of things (for some proper compensation), so he arranged a “drop off” for me.

He sent his associate Whiskers (see photo) to my place with some excellent cat pizza.
Now that’s a great cousin for you! And then they say that cats know no loyalty!
I just wonder if my Provider will notice the charges on her credit card….
May be if I jump on her lap and purr really loudly when she opens her statements, she wouldn’t notice…

Let’s face it – cats are not designed by the Great Cat in the Sky to diet and exercise.
It’s against our nature. We are gourmets of course.
One clever Human wrote a rather dumb book that had a great recipe in it:

Take one small mouse from the freezer.
Thaw.
Put in a blender and hit frappé.
Serve at feline body temperature on a clean plate.

I bet my friend Bundy will like this one – he is one hack of a mouser!

Humans Are Strange Creatures

Like all felines, I often don’t understand Humans.
I tell you, they are the weirdest mammals to grace this feline filled earth.
Take the Humans living in a country called “India”.
It seems to be a place far away and used to be part of England, which is in my book excellent, since Brits are the ultimate Cat Lovers.

Anyway, one time a Human who is a member of something called a “political party” , was surfing Internet (which I do daily as well!) and came across the name of Bush’s cat.
This cat is called “India”.
Indeed, a strange name.
Why should you name your cat after a country? I wouldn’t be seen snoozing with a name like Patagonia or Hawaii, no matter how nice those places might be.

The political party Human was really upset.
It seems it has something to do with religion.
As you all know, my view on religion is that you can worship Moi anytime, anywhere, so I don’t have a lot of patience with organized religion.
My Provider tried to point out to me that it is insulting for Hindus to name pets after their country, since dogs and cats are considered unclean.
Ha! That shows you how dense she is – I wash myself a lot that you very much!

I did some research (hey, I got bored and all that high tech stuff is rubbing off on me) and found out that the First Feline was named “India” after a former Texas Ranger baseball player nicknamed “El Indio”.
(For your information – baseball is an strange sport of throwing balls, hitting them and retrieving them – something that Providers should delegate to dogs).

The First Lady also claimed that the First Cat’s full name is “India Ink”, because of her color.

Personally, I am an admirer of India. It’s not often that a cat can create an international incident with her name only…Not bad for a cat lady that shared her premises with the Bush family for 10 years.

It seems that India is not living with the Bush Clan anymore.
So now, the Prez can quote the famous British saying (in his fake Texan accent) “that’s how we lost India.”

Undercover Kitty

My Provider is always complaining that I don’t work for my cat nibbles.
Humbug, I say! I entertain her, hug her and make her pathetic life far more interesting.

Do I get credit for that? No!
She told me that I should be her PA and answer the phone and all that. Yeah, sure, and you are a supermodel!

There are working cats, of course.

One of them made clever move and became an undercover officer at the NYPD.
No, I am not joking. The story is as follows.

A really bad Human, named Steven Vassall, posed as a licensed Doctor of Veterinary Medicine and conducting risky surgeries on people’s pets. Yes, including cats!
He performed some bogus operation on canine called Burt (not to be confused with the bailiff from the Judge Judy show).
This Burt dog nearly lost his life when the Vassall Human took a knife to remove a foreign object from the dog’s intestines.
(I am not sure how foreign the object was – may be some Korean cat toy or other, who knows? Dogs are dumb creatures, so no use asking the mutt).
Since this Vassall Person knows as much about operating as my Provider, Burt nearly died.
A real vet person had to save him. Burt’s provider was stuck with a $985 bill, which is a lot of cat nibbles, cat litter and toys.
The dog might be stupid, his owner is not, so he wanted an investigation into the practices of this fake vet.
I still think that having Burt take a piece out of that Bad Human’s leg would have done the trick, but humans have something called "justice".
They have to do things "by the book" – no idea which one, my Provider has a whole room of them (books, not dogs of course).
So they wanted to start an Investigation.
Enter Fred the Cat.
Fred is an eight-month-old former stray cat, who was deputized by Detective Investigators at the District Attorney’s Office.
(In plain cat language – they made him a police officer, which is really cool if you think about it).

Investigators wired a Brooklyn apartment with hidden cameras and microphones and told Vassall to come take Fred to be neutered.
You see how brave Fred was? He was even willing to Sacrifice a body part (or 2) for the Greater Good!
The Evil Human told Detective Investigator Stephanie Green-Jones that he would neuter Fred for $135. But as soon as he walked away from the house with $135 in cash, and the cat in a carrying box (before the chopping, mind you), Vassall was arrested.

So our Fred distinguished himself in his first undercover assignment!
The Evil Person will be charged with Overdriving, Torturing and Injuring Animals as well Unauthorized Use of a Professional Title and Unauthorized Practice, both Class-E Felonies.
(If you don’t have a clue what that means (join the feline club) – let’s say that all these crimes together could put him in prison for up to four years).

Fred is enjoying his fame and is very proud of his shiny badge.
He was on CNN, CBS, the New York Times, and on the cover of AM New York.
After al those stupid dog movies such as K-9, it’s time that Hollywood turns its lenses towards Paw-and-Order (with Moi as the leading feline of course).
George Clooney & pig, move over, here I come!

Samuel C. The Cat
Feline Actor Extraordinaire

How Cats Can Evaluate Their Providers

Our Providers (the ones that are wage slaves) had their annual job evaluation talks.
It’s also important for us, since it directly relates to the quality of food and nibbles we will get. A nice evaluation, coupled with a bonus, makes our Providers a) mellow and cuddly and b) invest in some serious good foodstuff (smoked salmon springs to mind)

I decided that it’s a good idea for Us Cats to evaluate our Providers.
So here it goes.

Your Provider is:
a) intelligent
b) clever, but you can outsmart him/her
c) dumb as a dog

Your Provider is:
a) so great, they are almost feline
b) OK most of the time
c) a dog loving nickenpoop

Your Provider:
a) thinks that you are the center of the universe
b) understands that you are the most important creature in his/her life
c) doesn’t give a damn about you

Your Provider sees him/herself as:
a) your faithful servant
b) your equal
c) your master

Your Provider sees you as:
a) the best thing that ever happened in his/her pathetic life
b) a nice companion
c) a useless and unfaithful annoyance

If most of your answers are A: congratulations!
You have a Provider with Potential. Keep him/her on a short leash (pun intended!) and make sure he/she never forgets what a heaven-sent addition to his/her pathetic existence you are.

If most of your answers are B: welcome to the average feline life!
Your Provider has an inking how great and important you are, but the cat nibble didn’t drop properly yet. Don’t worry, some decent training will whip him/her nicely into shape.

If most of your answers are C: get out of that house pronto!
Your Provider is a stupid, dog-loving imbecile who doesn’t deserve such a gorgeous creature as you.
Especially if you have Paris Hilton (who cannot even take care of a dog the size of a cat food tin) or the Queen of England (who is fonder of her stupid corgis than she is of her in-laws) as your Provider, you better check teh neighbors for Provider Potential.

To help you select and rate a (potential) Provider, I composed an easy to follow checklist.

The human:

Is male/female
(A female Provider is preferred – they are in general more cuddly and like to coo)

Owns already pets (yes/no)
(If yes, move to next prospect, unless the pet is a manageable feline so you can easily usurp power)

Has previous experience with felines
(This is Good and Bad. It means that you cannot get away with a lot of cat naughtiness on one hand, but makes them easier to train on the other)

Travels a lot/hardly
(A Provider should be 24/7, but you cannot have everything in life.
They do have to work to make money to feed us.
Try to find one that doesn’t go on business trips and/or holidays)

Looks at you with love and admiration/ with disgust(Needless to say, the disgust thing is not good, except for terrorizing the stupid person. If they think cats are sneaky, make sure to live up to that reputation.
Any imitation of a lion hunt or a Steven King movie should do it).

Success!