My friend Bundy live in another country than I do, but that’s OK – we are in constant catelapathy and email contact anyway. Let me introduce you to him.
His life is similar to mine – he also needs to constantly educate his Providers.
If you wonder why we cats nap so much – that’s the reason!
Bundy’s Providers also go on holidays, leaves, congress meetings etc. It must me a Human Thing that still puzzles me. As Bundy puts it – We Cats always come in second.
This is what he wrote me:
“My providers sometimes leave me alone for a whole weekend. I don't mind too much, they leave enough food and it is very quiet so I can take a fair good rest. Right now, I am getting clues they are going away for a longer time. There are lots of clothes on the spare bed (where I am not allowed to come, but still I know!) and funny folding papers on the table.I hope they leave soon. Usually when they go away for a longer time, two old grey humans come to my house. They give me lots of food and let me share in many of their goodies they take with their coffee and tea. Let the good times roll!”

You see, Bundy is a Very Clever Cat.
Just read the following:
“I am treated unfairly. Just this morning I went out in the garden (I was almost forced by my Provider to do so, and it happened to be a very wet morning. So, I just trotted along a bit through the garden and got some mud onto my paws, which is only natural. Then I decided to go in again and be nice and friendly to my Provider. Strangely enough she almost went berserk when I jumped on her lap and put my paws lovingly on her shirt. When I backed off on her desk and moved to and fro on her papers - she got even worse. I decided to behave Worthy, and retreated into the garage where I usually sleep on a pile of shopping bags.Which makes me think: Samuel, were you forced to move? I was. Several times. The last time was the worst. I was moved over a distance of about 200 kilometers. Which is cruel to a cat. I was drugged with some strange jagged little pill, so I was unable to resist. When I came to my senses again, I found myself in totally unknown surroundings. I was forced to spray a lot of you-know-what to mark my new territory. Needless to say that my Providers reacted most unpolitely to this. Life is hard.But, after all, I must admit that I have a rather pleasant house and garden right now. Lots of fieldmice available. Samuel my pal, hold on and be strong but most of all, take it easy.”
Needless to say, I absolutely agree with and support mon amice Bundy.
We are now putting our cat brains together to come up with some really cool schemes…stay posted!

I discovered something really interesting. I was playing on the balcony, when I suddenly saw this little lizard thingy. I chased it into my apartment and whacked it on its tail. The tail came off and started twitching like crazy.
The dumb Animal probably thought that I would be distracted and leave it alone.
Ha! Fat chance! I am not that dense! I properly killed it, lost interest, and let my Provider get rid of it remains. Hey, do I look like an undertaker?!

Now I have been thinking: if the lizard thing can divide itself in two, maybe my Provider can do that as well! So one part can go and work, and the other part can stay home and feed me, play with me and hug me.
During the weekend, I decided to test this theory. I tried to dismember my Human, starting with her foot. She got angry and told me to stop gnawing at her ankle and pushed me outside to play.
Once I declared playtime over and had a refreshing catnap, I waited for my Provider to leave for that fitness center of hers, so I could go online and dig up some info.
I found out that this tail thingy that lizards do is called regeneration. It means that once you loose a body part, it grows back. Now I checked my nether regions (if you catch my drift) but didn’t see my cat jewels growing back. May be I washed myself a little bit too often and too thoroughly there…what do you think?
Anyway, I checked my Provider’s claim that her limbs will not grow back once she looses them…. and I found out that she is correct.
There is a really weird human called Heather Mills McCartney, who is one limb short of a full stack. She lost this limb sometime ago, and I thought that it grew back, since she seems to be walking on a full set.
However, during some kind of protest (Providers have so much energy for that kind of activities!), she lost one of her back paws during a scuffle. Seems that it was a fake one (the back paw, not the scuffle). So she had the re-attach her fake leg.
If Providers would walk on all fours, they wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. You see, when we walk, only 3 feet touch the ground, just check it out. It’s really cool, to quote your cubs.
So for now, I will leave my Provider’s limbs alone. I will think of another Clever Plan, but first I need another nap. Yawn.

What Bush should have done...

Thanks to that dog lover, aka Bush Minor, lots of Providers have perished in the Katrina disaster. Needless to say, that is a Very Bad Thing, not only for Us Cats, but also for inferior pets like dogs. To top it off, there were also no rescue plans for pets.

Take the case of Snowball, a little white dog taken from his little Provider during the evacuation from New Orleans. The little human cub was among thousands of people sheltered at the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina, where he arrived with the mutt.
When the order came to evacuate the Superdome for Houston, the little human was told he could not take the Animal on the bus. Needless to say, he started crying. (the human, not the dog).
The press, which never gives Us Cats positive coverage anyway, put it as an Human Interest Story on the front page.
Humans are weird – instead of coming to the rescue of the Providers, they set up a website and reward fund to help find this non-cat. They were even successful.
Funny enough, everybody knows the canine’s name, but nobody remembers the little human’s. Go figure.
I am not a Cruel Cat – I don’t mind at all that dogs are saved as well, but let’s keep it in perspective. A creature that can feed me has priority over a creature that can’t, so I support any decision to get as many Providers out of harm’s way as possible.
Some Providers by the way are – sorry to say – stupid.
One couple of New Orleans Providers insisted on bringing "their only baby" (a 125-pound potbellied pig named Rooty, yuck! makes you wonder what those Providers look like!) — into the rescue boat that nearly sank. That, of course, is Dumb.

So Bush, who is running the biggest country of Providers worldwide, made a royal mess of it. (Well, considering the US is a republic, I should choose another word, but I don’t want to be rude.)
What should that Bush Person have done?
Simple: he should have taken Airforce One and evacuate all pets from New Orleans.
So what if they would have made a mess? Can’t be worse than what he is doing in Iraq….

Just for your information – cats rule!
For you humans who like hard data, there has been a recent survey Hartz about Human-Animal bonding. The highlight: 31% of women and 15% of men say they spend more time with their pet than their spouse or significant other. Of course! We are far more entertaining and don’t ask questions you don’t want to answer. We are also better looking with our shiny furs.
The American Veterinary Medical Association found that 54% of all US households own at least one pet and 47% of those owners consider their pets full-fledged family members. You get the point, don’t you?
A BizRate Research study for Shopzilla shows that 56% of the women and 41% of the men surveyed believe that their pets are more affectionate than their partners. Of course! Do humans purr? No! We are also cuter than their partners: 45% of women and 24% of the men think that. Heh, heh – that will teach Brat Pitt and Angelina Jolie!
About 7 in 10 pet owners (68%) say their pets make them happier than their jobs.
I know for a fact that I make my Provider happier than any of those high-tech jobs.
I tried to communicate that she might change careers, and I am happy to inform you that she is trying to get published, so hopefully she will be a fulltime author and cuddle me the whole daylong.
Although I have no complaints about my Provider in general, there is one thing I lack – major pampering in the form of a pet groomer, therapist and psychic. My human claims that I don’t need it, since I am a self-cleaning cat-with-an-attitude.
Pffff – what does she know?! Why does she think that I started this blog?! To work on my anger management of course and to vent my frustrations!

In short, We Cats are the New People and will do for the economy what kids did a decade or so ago.
If you don’t believe me: the American Pet Product Manufacturers Association reports that Americans spent $34.4 billion on their pets in 2004 with expected 2005 expenditures at $35.9 billion.
In case you get any ideas of curtailing our needs: please note that there are more pets than people in the US: 377.8 million pets, 290 million people.
And we cats are willing to hook up with dogs and other Inferior Animals to safeguard our Divine Right to be Pampered.

Quod erat demonstrandum,
Samuel Feles