Lewis The Cat On Death Row!

I was watching TV yesterday, when I heard some horrific cat news:
they want to condemn my fellow feline Lewis to death!
Yes, really, I am not joking (although I have a superb sense of humor, mind you!).

Lewis the Cat bears a resemblance to the famous Felix the Cat (and my not yet so famous pal Bundy; ergo: he is gorgeous) and has six toes with an impressive nail on each foot. As you know, this is not uncommon in cats, although I have the standard number of toes.
Lewis lives in a quiet Fairfield, Connecticut, neighborhood with his human Ruth Cisero.

He was minding his own business when this Avon Lady Human started to mess with him.
When this Avon Person was getting out of her car, Lewis approached her from behind, making it clear that she had no business in his ‘hood.
She ended up going to the hospital and filed a lawsuit in some Superior Court against his Provider.
Tell me, can you blame him? Those door-to-door salespersons are a pest (as are telemarketers who wake me up at ungodly hours).

The neighbors didn’t like poor Lewis as well – they called him the “Terrorist of Sunset Circle,” which is a whole bunch of dog pooh.
As a result, poor Lewis got a restraining order (courtesy of Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira).
Originally, this restraining order allowed him limited freedom if his Provider gave him Prozac. Stupid idea – show me any cat that likes (un)controlled substances except catnip!
Lewis refused to become a druggie or to be confided to his home.
He went out and had another altercation with a neighbor.

That Solveira Person promptly placed Lewis under house arrest, which means that he is forbidden to leave his home.
She also arrested his Provider for failing to comply with the restraining order and then for reckless endangerment. Pfffff.

And that’s not the end of it – they are dragging poor Lewis into court claiming that he is dangerous and should be put to death.
Lewis is not stupid, so he hired defense lawyer Eugene Riccio. Good thinking!

In the mean time, we have to do what we can to save our poor Feline Brother.
Support already came from an unlikely corner - Petey the dog is a staunch defender of Lewis. He even showed up at the Bridgeport's Golden Hill Street Court to pledge his support.
You see, Petey, living with four cats, gets scratched sometimes.
He understands that it’s the nature of the feline, so he never pressed charges against them.
A wise attitude - those pesty Humans (who acquitted O.J., mind you!) should do the same!

Judge Patrick Carroll will rule on June 20. I will keep you posted of course.

Ypern and Cats - Not a Match Made in Heaven

I am always on the lookout for parties. What can I say, I am one cool party animal. Surfing the web, I came across a “catfest” (cat festival) in Ypres or Ypern, Belgium.

I was all excited – a special cat day with parade and all that for Us, Felines!
For those of you who haven’t got a clue, during the Middle Ages, Ypern was a prosperous town of 80.000 Providers.
Its main source of income was linen trade with England.
During this time, since 1476 to be precise, they would throw cats off the cloth halls to get rid of evil. Ha! That act itself is ultimate evil if you ask me!
Needless to say, they also held witch trials and eliminated a whole bunch of perfectly good Providers. Dumbos!

The people of Ypres were not alone in their “cattacide” – they would burn and kill felines all over Europe. I bet it was a Canine Plot to gain power.
You see, in early medieval times, we cats were symbols of bad spirits and we were accused of predicting disasters and mischief.
Stupid humans - that would interfere too much with our naptime!
Germanic tribes sacrificed us to keep evil ghosts away and Christians saw us as a sign of the devil or witchcraft. In short, we were not that popular and were not welcome anywhere.
Oh, how we pined at that time for Ancient Egypt, where they knew how to appreciate us!

To come back to Ypern, they had a rather original way of getting rid of any cats that were found. Our fellow felines were simply thrown from the Belfort Tower. Quel Horreur!

I am happy to inform you that nowadays they throw toy cats from the town hall tower after an elaborate parade called “Kattenstoet.”
The parade depicts the history of cats.
I like the concept of this parade. You see, it is highly educational (even for canines), since it features different themes, such as Cat Worship in History (with The Egyptian Cat), The Cat in Language and Legend, The Cat around the World, The Ypres Cat, and The Condemnation of Cats and Witches.
These tableaux are watched by many children and young people, which is a Good Thing, since they have to be trained as Providers.
Adult Humans realize how Gorgeous we felines are and dress up in cat costumes and try to improve their furless features with cat makeup.
In case you want to watch it, this Kattenstoet thingy is held every three years -the most recent one in May 2006.

Since having a cat parade is a concept we should implement worldwide, I suggest the following:

• Carnival in Rio will be changed to Catnival in Rio
• Macy’s Thanksgiving Day’s Parade will be changed to Garfield’s Thanksgiving Day's Parade
• At the State Opening of Parliament, the Black Rod will be replaced with a Black Cat (I suggest my friend Bundy)

What about it, Fellow Felines, in the mood for some serious partying?

I Am One Upset Feline!

My Provider left me again – for two whole weeks!
So I was left all alone (that is - apart from the neighbors who came in twice a day to feed me and play with me and apart from a friend who came five times to change my cat litter – but I was still a poor lonely soul, I tell you!).
You get the point - I had plenty of time to think between catnaps & snoozes and plotted how to reach world domination (without too much effort, mind you).

My Provider has something called a “resume” aka “curriculum vitae” which seems to describe her life.
Ha! I read it and it doesn’t say anything about the important elements in her pathetic life like Moi. It just mentioned all that stuff she does in her office, which is not in my dwellings.
This resume-thingy seems to work though, since she is duly employed and thus makes enough money to buy me cat food and such.
If she can find other employers with a resume, I could find an even better Provider.
I wouldn’t mind at all to improve my life by becoming a very spoilt and pampered Hollywood cat.

(My Provider pointed out that I am already spoilt and pampered, but that just shows you how dense she is, since there is ample room for improvement.
Just to give some examples: 1) I am not allowed in her bedroom, 2) I am not allowed to shop online for cat food and toys using her credit card and 3) I am not allowed to walk on tables).

Therefore, I decided to send out my cat resume to potential Providers such as George Clooney and Beyonce.

Here it goes:

Name: Samuel Clemens The Cat
Born: Yes
Sex: None since my snip, snip operation
Age: 7 in cat years, which equals 47 in human years
Race: European shorthair
Skills: Blogging, napping, playing, sleeping, chasing bugs and geckos, snoozing, training
humans, relaxing, eating, catching zzzz

Accomplishments:

• Training current human companion for 7 years and turning her into a decent Provider
• Blogging about my sorrows and updating own website
• Keeping in touch with my cat friends, especially Bundy and Ariel

Potential:
I would make a great Master of the Universe.
If this cannot be achieved shortly, before my next nap, I am also open for acting gigs and 6-figure book deals.
References:
Cats: Bundy (friend), Ariel (friend), Louie “the claw” Cattino (cousin)
Humans: Provider, neighbors (they know how to take care of me!), Ruth (friend of Provider
and great cat litter changer), Rachel (friend of Provider and very cuddly.
Rachel’s husband thinks the same, hence their recent addition in the form of a young
male cub).
What do you think; do I have a change to improve my life with this resume?