Bundy And Me

As my friend Bundy pointed out to me, we Cats are not only good at physical exercise, but also at keeping our mental health.
Did you ever see a depressed cat? No, of course not! There are several reasons for this:
1) we never suffer from insomnia, so we are never sleep deprived;
2) when embarrassed, we groom ourselves;
3) when stressed we know how to vent our frustration.

I understand that Humans go to other Humans called “shrinks”.
I wondered what these shrinks are shrinking.
May be their heads, but it seems that all human heads remain quite stable in size (no matter that some of them are filled with hot air, as by bitchy Provider likes to point out).
They are also not shrinking the food supply – lots of Providers remain obese.
According to my Human, they shrink the bank accounts of their victims.
I think she has a point.
Just to be sure that she would not be so stupid as to spend money on anyone else but Moi, I checked her calendar and I am happy to inform you that she never visits a shrink person.

She told her b-f that Us Cats are the best therapists.
Mmmm, I have to see how I can turn that to my advantage.
My Provider has this rather annoying habit of suddenly announcing: “Samuel, I need a hug!” She then grabs me, thus ruthlessly waking me up from my well-deserved nap, and hugs me. Since she is stronger than I am (damn all that fitness!), I developed a nice strategy.
I go limp, purr and look out of the corner of my eye if I can escape.
If not, I repeat the purring several times. Works like a charm.

If our purring is so relaxing, there must be a way to make cat nibbles out of it.
After striving for world domination, and eliminating all canines in the process, I think that we felines should concentrate on this.
I haven’t figured it out yet, but I am pretty sure that my friend Bundy will have some valuable contributions.
And getting our paws on a credit card or two is also kitten’s play.
I can smell Good Stuff a mouse click away! So what do you meow, my Fellow Felines?

Your Samuel C. The Cat
(Ruler of the Universe in the making, that is, once I get enough catnaps and incentives)

Diet Is to Die With A T

My Provider put me on a diet. Well, at least she tried.
It took me two weeks to have her stop that nonsense – but I prevailed!
It took some major psychological warfare, I tell you.
In the end, I had to resort to banging the bedroom door at 2am and 4am.
Ha! That taught her!
I blame her b-f. He put it to her that I might be unhealthy. Pffff, look who’s talking!
I never had the ‘flue in my life, let alone other ailments.

My Provider told me that I should exercise. She is dense – "exercise" equals "ex size"!
I will be a wee skinny kitty if I start working out like she does. I like being a Fat Cat.
But to humor her, I came up with the following feline fitness plan.

Front paw exercise
Stretch paws and hook nails in something soft (eg your Provider’s leg or favorite chair) and pull back.
Repeat as many times as possible before being forcefully removed.

Back paw exerciseBent paws slightly and jump. If possible, jump on tables, cupboards or dogs.
Land on all fours with outstretched nails for maximum effect.
Repeat as many times as possible before dog attacks.

StretchingPlace yourself in front of a closed door (bedroom or study preferred).
Stretch and place front paws on doorknob.
Lean with complete bodyweight forwards – forcefully if possible.
Open door and enter room.
Relax by spreading yourself on soft covers (in bedroom) or papers (in study).
Make sure to deposit hair for maximum effect.
Remain in this position until forcefully removed by Provider or dinnertime, whatever happens first.

Back curve
Block Provider from entering/leaving the room.
Flop on side and bend spine backwards, exposing soft underbelly for belly rub.
Keep this position as long as rub lasts.
To extend rub time, purr.

RunningRun up and down corridors and zip through rooms at top speed between midnight and 4 o’clock in the morning. If Human works nightshifts, reverse times.
Make lots of noises: bumping into objects and clicking of nails on wooden or marble floor is mandatory.
Repeat until Provider gets mad and takes action, or until snack/nap time, whatever comes first.

Obstacle course
Take obstacle course by running into chairs, Provider’s legs or dogs.
Make sure to forcefully move above-mentioned objects by catapulting into them with full bodyweight at top speed.
Repeat until outsmarted (by Provider) or death (of dog).

FishingStretch paw and hook it around a handle (door or fridge) or around zipper (sports or handbag).
Enter room, fridge or bag.
Sniff and play with as many objects as available while shedding hair.
Continue until panic attack of Provider.
(For you who live in a house with a fishtank: insert paw in fishtank and hook fish.
Drop fish on floor. Eat fish or (when vegetarian) beat it to death. Repeat until all fishies are goners or Provider freaks out).

Cool downAfter exercise, stretch and yawn in abundance.
Make sure to choose comfortable spot, such as newspapers, keyboard, TV set or Humans.
Knead object for stress release. Repeat kneading with outstretched claws.
Continue until being pushed/lifted/thrown from location.
Complain loudly – if possible during Provider’s favorite TV show or phone calls.


The best part of this exercise regime: you don’t loose weight!
Because you see, to quote my favorite Author Garfield: “Diet is to Die with a T”.

Colin The Cruising Cat

We cats might not like water, but we have nothing against going on a cruise.
Take Colin, who lives at Westgate’s tanker terminal, Port Taranaki, New Zealand.
Wanting a change of pace, Colin boarded the tanker Tomiwaka, when it was in New Plymouth. She (yes, despite her name, she is very much a female feline) made herself comfortable sleeping on the sofa in the second engineer’s cabin.
Hey, the "Statendam" it isn’t, but still, not too shabby. She flew back to New Zealand from South Korea, which I find a relief considering the preference of the Far Eastern palate…

Eight-month-old Diamond Lil' took a more extensive cruise: she boarded a vessel in Chicago that sailed to Charleston, Illinois, then on to New York and to finally arrive in England.
England is tricky country to arrive as a foreign feline– they want us cats to be quarantined for 6 months. I don’t understand why, we’re clean and disease free.
I understand you want to check out dogs, serpents, lizards and the like, but felines?!
Another cat that ended her cruise in England was Lucky. She didn’t really want to embark on a sea voyage, but was caught in a crate of razor blades that was shipped from Israel to England.


It’s not just modern-day felines that take to sailing.
Since always liked to have us cats on board since we bring good luck to a ship.
(If you don’t believe me, take a jump and hand over your vessel to me!).
Since we are happy to take up residence on ships, we have migrated around the world.
We first hooked up with sailors in ancient Egypt. OK, we had to do a lot more work than nowadays (keeping vermin at bay is hard work!) but we were considered to be very important and respected crew members on any vessel.

Now I have been thinking – why doesn’t my Provider go on a cruise and I will join her.
I suggest that we sail to Scandinavia, where they have some really good fish for me.
And if her b-f joins us, my cat friend Ariel can come along and share a scrumptious fishmeal with me. My friend Bundy is also invited to come along; it will give him a well-deserved break from those pesty canines.
I better go online and download some info and price quotes…cat ahoy!

My Provider wants me to work. She claims that all I do is frolic around the house, sleep, and demand food and hugs. Hello – that’s what being a cat is all about!
But I am a Nice Cat, so I checked the possibilities.
My research dug up one plum job: mouse catcher in the House of Commons in London, UK.
You see, the Members of Parliament are munching all over the place - so mice have quality food droppings. When they saw a little mouse going backwards and forwards – being very brave, very bold and looking extremely healthy, John Barrett, MP for Edinburgh West, proposed to employ cats to take on what they describe as a growing problem with mice. In the motion, they say that it would be "fiscally prudent for the Sergeant at Arms's department to invest in a House of Commons cat to try to tackle this problem.”
The mice didn’t stop there – they were also seen munching on breakfast cereal at the Scottish Parliamentary Offices at George IV Bridge.
It would not be the first time that a feline filled such a sought-after position - Socks, worked at the White House together with Prez Clinton and Humphrey was the PM’s cat at Downing Street.
I only see one problem: my employment contract. I demand catnap breaks (could coincide with the Humans’ tea breaks), meals (I will send my list of preferences) and I need to join a Union. One thing is good about it all – since my Provider is also a lawyer, she can check my labor conditions!