Most of the time, I am a happy cat. I have my Provider trained to cater to all my needs. She is a bit on the skinny side (I blame all that fitness), but she gives me lots of hugs, so life in normally good. I also made it clear that I only consume the best of cat food (yes, we cats can read price tags, so don’t come home with some white label stuff, only fit to be served to dogs).My Provider has a friend called Kim, who I really like. She understands me like no other. She sent me two little tins with catnip in it. As you know, we cats are crazy about catnip! I am not supposed to eat it, but what do you want me to do? Sniff it? Smoke it? Come on, I live with a straight-laced Human! Apart from a glass of wine once in a while, I didn’t see her consume any legal (let alone illegal) substances. She does drink heaps of coffee, which seems to be Bad. I tried it once, hate the dark bitter stuff! I don’t care what she drinks, since I am a cat.
But let’s get back to my story. Kim’s catnip is mucho enjoyed by me. Hence my annoyance when my Provider took some of it to the office. She gave it to her Russian colleague Boris – he also has a cat and he wanted to grow some catnip at home for his feline. Out of my stash – how rude! But the Great Cat in the Sky was on my side. This Boris-person took the stuff in a little plastic bag home. On the way, his car was stopped by the police (not the band, mind you!) during a routine traffic control. (My Provider was stopped as well – needless to say, everything was in shipshape, the woman in over-organized! She even bought me a food and a water bowl one size too big, so I don’t spill by cat food on the floor – I rest my case!) When this Boris-guy opened the glove compartment of his car to get his papers, the police saw my catnip. They promptly arrested him for possession of a forbidden substance (something called "cannabis"), confiscated his car and revoked his driver license. I find this fitting punishment for stealing my catnip! My Provider feels sorry for him – the car was a company car, so it was given back to the leasing company. He now has to travel by bus. His girlfriend is angry at him – the car was a nice Mazda 3 and she would love to drive around in it. The court case is this month – providing the lab analysis of my catnip is done by then……
It seems that a defense that it was catnip and not this cannabis stuff is hard to swallow (pun intended) by the local law enforcement officials…..they must be dog owners! It just shows you – no good deed goes unpunished when it involves us cats! Let that be a lesson to you all and keep your fingers (with non-retractable nails!) to yourself. Remember, the only reason why you have opposable thumbs is to open our tins of cat food. BTW, if you want to buy some catnip, I will arrange a meeting with my cousin Louie “The Claw” Cattano outside later….
Time for a catnap, until next zzzzzzzzz
