Humans Are Strange Creatures

Like all felines, I often don’t understand Humans.
I tell you, they are the weirdest mammals to grace this feline filled earth.
Take the Humans living in a country called “India”.
It seems to be a place far away and used to be part of England, which is in my book excellent, since Brits are the ultimate Cat Lovers.

Anyway, one time a Human who is a member of something called a “political party” , was surfing Internet (which I do daily as well!) and came across the name of Bush’s cat.
This cat is called “India”.
Indeed, a strange name.
Why should you name your cat after a country? I wouldn’t be seen snoozing with a name like Patagonia or Hawaii, no matter how nice those places might be.

The political party Human was really upset.
It seems it has something to do with religion.
As you all know, my view on religion is that you can worship Moi anytime, anywhere, so I don’t have a lot of patience with organized religion.
My Provider tried to point out to me that it is insulting for Hindus to name pets after their country, since dogs and cats are considered unclean.
Ha! That shows you how dense she is – I wash myself a lot that you very much!

I did some research (hey, I got bored and all that high tech stuff is rubbing off on me) and found out that the First Feline was named “India” after a former Texas Ranger baseball player nicknamed “El Indio”.
(For your information – baseball is an strange sport of throwing balls, hitting them and retrieving them – something that Providers should delegate to dogs).

The First Lady also claimed that the First Cat’s full name is “India Ink”, because of her color.

Personally, I am an admirer of India. It’s not often that a cat can create an international incident with her name only…Not bad for a cat lady that shared her premises with the Bush family for 10 years.

It seems that India is not living with the Bush Clan anymore.
So now, the Prez can quote the famous British saying (in his fake Texan accent) “that’s how we lost India.”

Undercover Kitty

My Provider is always complaining that I don’t work for my cat nibbles.
Humbug, I say! I entertain her, hug her and make her pathetic life far more interesting.

Do I get credit for that? No!
She told me that I should be her PA and answer the phone and all that. Yeah, sure, and you are a supermodel!

There are working cats, of course.

One of them made clever move and became an undercover officer at the NYPD.
No, I am not joking. The story is as follows.

A really bad Human, named Steven Vassall, posed as a licensed Doctor of Veterinary Medicine and conducting risky surgeries on people’s pets. Yes, including cats!
He performed some bogus operation on canine called Burt (not to be confused with the bailiff from the Judge Judy show).
This Burt dog nearly lost his life when the Vassall Human took a knife to remove a foreign object from the dog’s intestines.
(I am not sure how foreign the object was – may be some Korean cat toy or other, who knows? Dogs are dumb creatures, so no use asking the mutt).
Since this Vassall Person knows as much about operating as my Provider, Burt nearly died.
A real vet person had to save him. Burt’s provider was stuck with a $985 bill, which is a lot of cat nibbles, cat litter and toys.
The dog might be stupid, his owner is not, so he wanted an investigation into the practices of this fake vet.
I still think that having Burt take a piece out of that Bad Human’s leg would have done the trick, but humans have something called "justice".
They have to do things "by the book" – no idea which one, my Provider has a whole room of them (books, not dogs of course).
So they wanted to start an Investigation.
Enter Fred the Cat.
Fred is an eight-month-old former stray cat, who was deputized by Detective Investigators at the District Attorney’s Office.
(In plain cat language – they made him a police officer, which is really cool if you think about it).

Investigators wired a Brooklyn apartment with hidden cameras and microphones and told Vassall to come take Fred to be neutered.
You see how brave Fred was? He was even willing to Sacrifice a body part (or 2) for the Greater Good!
The Evil Human told Detective Investigator Stephanie Green-Jones that he would neuter Fred for $135. But as soon as he walked away from the house with $135 in cash, and the cat in a carrying box (before the chopping, mind you), Vassall was arrested.

So our Fred distinguished himself in his first undercover assignment!
The Evil Person will be charged with Overdriving, Torturing and Injuring Animals as well Unauthorized Use of a Professional Title and Unauthorized Practice, both Class-E Felonies.
(If you don’t have a clue what that means (join the feline club) – let’s say that all these crimes together could put him in prison for up to four years).

Fred is enjoying his fame and is very proud of his shiny badge.
He was on CNN, CBS, the New York Times, and on the cover of AM New York.
After al those stupid dog movies such as K-9, it’s time that Hollywood turns its lenses towards Paw-and-Order (with Moi as the leading feline of course).
George Clooney & pig, move over, here I come!

Samuel C. The Cat
Feline Actor Extraordinaire