Our Providers (the ones that are wage slaves) had their annual job evaluation talks.
It’s also important for us, since it directly relates to the quality of food and nibbles we will get. A nice evaluation, coupled with a bonus, makes our Providers a) mellow and cuddly and b) invest in some serious good foodstuff (smoked salmon springs to mind)
I decided that it’s a good idea for Us Cats to evaluate our Providers.
So here it goes.
Your Provider is:
a) intelligent
b) clever, but you can outsmart him/her
c) dumb as a dog
Your Provider is:
a) so great, they are almost feline
b) OK most of the time
c) a dog loving nickenpoop
Your Provider:
a) thinks that you are the center of the universe
b) understands that you are the most important creature in his/her life
c) doesn’t give a damn about you
Your Provider sees him/herself as:
a) your faithful servant
b) your equal
c) your master
Your Provider sees you as:
a) the best thing that ever happened in his/her pathetic life
b) a nice companion
c) a useless and unfaithful annoyance
If most of your answers are A: congratulations!
You have a Provider with Potential. Keep him/her on a short leash (pun intended!) and make sure he/she never forgets what a heaven-sent addition to his/her pathetic existence you are.
If most of your answers are B: welcome to the average feline life!
Your Provider has an inking how great and important you are, but the cat nibble didn’t drop properly yet. Don’t worry, some decent training will whip him/her nicely into shape.
If most of your answers are C: get out of that house pronto!
Your Provider is a stupid, dog-loving imbecile who doesn’t deserve such a gorgeous creature as you.
Especially if you have Paris Hilton (who cannot even take care of a dog the size of a cat food tin) or the Queen of England (who is fonder of her stupid corgis than she is of her in-laws) as your Provider, you better check teh neighbors for Provider Potential.
To help you select and rate a (potential) Provider, I composed an easy to follow checklist.
The human:
Is male/female
(A female Provider is preferred – they are in general more cuddly and like to coo)
Owns already pets (yes/no)
(If yes, move to next prospect, unless the pet is a manageable feline so you can easily usurp power)
Has previous experience with felines
(This is Good and Bad. It means that you cannot get away with a lot of cat naughtiness on one hand, but makes them easier to train on the other)
Travels a lot/hardly
(A Provider should be 24/7, but you cannot have everything in life.
They do have to work to make money to feed us.
Try to find one that doesn’t go on business trips and/or holidays)
Looks at you with love and admiration/ with disgust(Needless to say, the disgust thing is not good, except for terrorizing the stupid person. If they think cats are sneaky, make sure to live up to that reputation.
Any imitation of a lion hunt or a Steven King movie should do it).
Success!
